The Will of Uncle Tom

WILL OF UNCLE TOM J. S

I, Uncle Tom, being of a sound mind, a resident of the intellectually elite, hereby make this Will and revoke all prior Wills and Codicils.

I was born on Good Friday in Missouri.

I am married to Politics, who I will refer to as "my spouse". We were married on arrival in Las Vegas, Nevada. We have been separated since 2010 by court order.

I have two living children. Profanity, age 8 and Strategy, age 6.

In the event am the sole surviving parent of minor children, then I appoint Ron Paul to serve as their Guardian. If he is unable or unwilling to serve, I appoint Sandra Dutson as Alternate Guardian.

BENEFICIARIES: I give my property to the following persons:

Adam Winchester: A sense that there are more issues than gun control.

Taylor Rhien: The strategy required to win a game of Risk.

Ryan Spitak: All of my politician sports coats, blue shirts, and tan pants.

Kory Shipp: The ability to cuss out total strangers and feel good about it.

Hilary Fullmer: Her right to be treated like a lady instead of "different."

Chris Atkin: A website dedicated to destroying Design Imaging.

Leah Pettit: I will take her secrets to my grave.

Drew Sorber: The ability to make money doing what he loves.

Brenner Meacham: A sound argument.

Peter Wolfley: All the rights to my name, image, likeness, personal journals and writings, notes, etc. in the understanding that he will write my biography.

If any beneficiary under this Will does not survive me by 30 days, then I shall be deemed to have survived such person.

I appoint Titus McKenzie as Executor of my Will, and if he is unable or unwilling to serve, then I name Brock Kannon as alternate Executor. My Executor and alternate shall have all powers granted by applicable laws of my state to carry out all provisions of this Will, may use provisions and procedures for the simplified handling of estates, may hold in trust the share of any minor beneficiary until he reaches age 18, and shall not be required to post a bond.



I, Uncle Tom, hereby sign this Will at my secret hideout on this 4th day of February, 2002.

The Death of Uncle Tom

Uncle Tom, age unknown of Midwest America died this morning, November 28, 2010. Although the cause of death is still undetermined, it is being speculated that he died of a hyper-inflated ego combined with complications of a recent unfortunate incident with decency. He is survived by his wife, Politics, and his two sons Profanity and Strategy.

His funeral service is scheduled for December 1, 2010 at which time his ashes will be spread at the grave site of Richard Nixon according to his dying wish.

His blog will continue to bear his name in memory of all his rants, attacks, and politically incorrect sermons. He will long be remembered for his verbally charged opinions about women, liberals, gays, and Adam Winchester. His enemies will sleep easy knowing he has passed on and his acquaintances will be forced to look to a new source for quality real life entertainment.

As always, he was a step ahead of the game because he knew he was dying. He realized this because he saw himself slowly fade into obscurity. There were attempts to revive him but the best efforts of doctors and consultants were futile.

His last words were inappropriate and therefore cannot be reported but he went out fighting and we wouldn't expect any less from Old Uncle Tom.

Uncle Tom

Harry Potter is Destroying America but that won't Keep me from Watching the Movie

As you are already aware, the newest Harry Potter movie hit theaters this week and has continued the destructive business it started all those years ago. People have been planning weddings, social gatherings, charity functions, and their education around this event. The world shuts down when something Harry Potter opens up. I despise the whole Harry Potter franchise for what it is doing to America but that won't stop me from seeing the movie this Friday.

Harry Potter fans will argue that this is one of the best things which has ever happened to the world. It got the children reading books instead of watching TV all the time. They must believe that before the advent of Harry Potter children did not know how to read and these books have eradicated the illiteracy problem from the face of the earth. I would rather the children not read if this is what they are choosing. You could get more from an hour with Scooby Doo than you could get from a month of reading those books.

The movie is no different as far as quality but I have to see it. If I don't I will be ostracized from society. I will have nothing to say at the dinner table. My lady will find me repugnant and uncivilized. I won't understand the jokes and references which people are constantly making in everyday, unrelated conversation. Even if you are like me and want to boycott all things Harry Potter, you know that you'll find yourself on the outside looking in. Your family will disown you. You will be looked upon with more disgust than convicted terrorist.

But as we learn from history, the public's taste is always better than your own. That's why we have pop music and reality TV.

Your Band Wagon Servant,

Uncle Tom

Where is the Loyalty?

The Black Eye Peas once sang a catchy little diddy called Where is the Love. Personally I don't care where the love is and honestly I'd rather never know. Even though I'm very anti-love the song got me thinking. I want to know where is the loyalty. Loyalty is greater than love. For all of you math majors who follow this blog I'll put it in terms you can understand.

Loyalty > Love

We have learned by sad experience that your friends will throw you under the bus the first chance they get. Whatever happened to the good old days when you and all of your friends would drive around in a car terrorizing local groups of pedestrians and then not selling each other out when the cops catch up to you.

It seems like loyalty has gone the way of heterosexual marriage. People would rather just co-habitate in a self-serving friendship rather than settle down in a union of loyal brotherhood. What happened to the friend who would stand up and verbally crack some skulls if one of his compadres was under attack from an unholy source? People just don't do that anymore. They would rather join in and take a few cheap shots at their "friend" before performing the finishing curb stomp.

Times may change but Uncle Tom never will.

Your Loyal Servant,

Uncle Tom

People are like Old Holiday Decorations, They Need to be cut Down

On my daily walk to Taco Bell for some authentic Mexican food I saw some Halloween decorations and my stomach just about turned. We're well into November and people still have their Halloween stuff up. I wanted to knock on that fool's door and inform them that the time has passed and it was time to move on. I was just about ready to make a course correction towards that offender's house when I had an epiphany:

People are like old holiday decorations, they need to be cut down.

I thought it was a brilliant metaphor and I just couldn't stop smiling while I was eating my soggy nachos and stuffing down a few soft shell tacos for 99 cents. When people get a little uppity on you and they need to learn their place, just cut them down with an attack on their personal character or bring up a huge character flaw. If they honestly don't have a devastating weakness, make one up. They'll believe you.

You can't let people just hang all high when their time has past. Just like you wouldn't let your Christmas lights hang past mid-January. Cut those suckers down. It's for the best. Your fellow man will thank you for humbling the world's proud and arrogant. You will be doing a great service to humanity.

The best thing about cutting people down like old holiday decorations is you feel better about yourself and that's what the holidays are all about.

Your Festive Servant,

Uncle Tom

Another Cheap Shot at King Henry Apartments

Thus saith the Lord; Behold, I will raise up against Babylon and against them that dwell in the midst of them that rise up against me, a destroying wind.
–Jeremiah 51:1

The King Henry Apartment complex is not for the tender hearted. It’s a place where the soulless portion of the student body goes to waste away; waste away their time, resources and talents. King Henry is like the Sirens up on the cliff. You are drawn in by their physical beauty and sweet song of promise, but in the end you’ve shipwrecked yourself on the rocks of disappointment. Consider me to be your lighthouse on the shore. I will tell you the true nature of the King Henry apartments and save you from inevitable heartache.

The thing which is most important in understanding the King Henry apartments is the rent is too damn high. College students working 20 hours a week at a job which provides less spending money than an Afghanistan allowance cannot afford to pay the outrageous rates of King Henry. Just by glancing at the rent payment you will immediately understand why they named it King Henry, it’s tyrannical. Students have no money in their pockets for the truly significant things such as dates and The Simpsons Season 7 on DVD.

This place is a cold and cruel lover. She will leave you poor in spirit as well as wallet. Once she’s got her legal talons into your back there is no escape. You can bid farewell to your chances of an enjoyable semester because you are a slave to your grades and a slave to King Henry.

I realized that King Henry was a colony of male nudity. Men and boys on all sides performing tasks and participating in activities, all of which could and should have been done in clothes. I’ll spare you the graphic details but let it suffice to say that one fellow was reading God’s good word in the buff. I felt like I stepped out of reality and into the poor man’s version of an Abercrombie and Finch magazine. It seems like even the coming of winter won’t save my heterosexual sight because there is a constant parade of man skin to King Henry’s cesspool of social debauchery, the hot tub.

Your Karate Master Servant,

Uncle Tom

You've Made a Mockery of Roommate Relations

In my nearly 5 years of living with roommates, I've never been so disappointed. I don't know what I did to be treated this way in my own apartment, the only place in the world where I can fling my personal belongings all over the house and not be forced to pick them up. A man's apartment is his castle and if I can't hang my dirty underwear from the handle of our refrigerator then this is the furthest thing from my fortress. You guys used to be cool with the way I blatantly abused your good will and patience. You expect courtesy, consideration and respect now? I laugh in your face and say you've made a mockery of roommate relations.

If you could see things the way I see them you would understand that there is a roommate's code which I live by. It's a rather long set of standards and expectations but to sum it up it says, "You live here so you can do whatever you want with no regard for others." I know that I only pay a fourth of the rent but that isn't going to stop me from taking advantage of you guys to the fullest.

As I take 45 minute showers in our only bathroom, I hope you take that time to consider what you've done to the general idea of roommate relations. A roommate should not have to change his lifestyle to accommodate others, not in a free country like America. I'm a pretty easy going guy but that's where I draw the line. I'm not going to stop leaving the lights on early in the morning and leaving the house without shutting the door because that would just be turning my back on my principles. And I never turn my back on my principles.

So next time you want to call me out for stinking up the entire apartment by burning food or making disproportionately incredible loud amounts of sound as you are trying to sleep, just remember what it means to be a roommate- rolling over and taking it.

When it Comes to Keeping Friends it's All About the Numbers

I have always been all about the calculations and the numbers. Human life, suffering, pride, and well-being mean nothing to me compared to the bottom line of my personal enjoyment and advancement. In today's blog I will share with you some basic equations which I have personally derived to determine if certain friends are worth the investment of my "emotional capital." Feel free to use these equations with your own friends. Weigh them in the balance and if they are found wanting, cut them loose. You cannot afford to be spending time or investing yourself in friendships which won't last, won't produce, and won't help you achieve your ultimate goals.

EQUATION 1 - Probability of Future Profitability

Future Career x Parents' Economic Status / Condition of the Economy

+

General Connections and Networking Skills

Some friends, regardless of how painstakingly annoying and obnoxious they are now, are worth keeping around because they have potential to be profitable to you in the future. They may plan on becoming doctors or businessmen who can contribute to your campaign or they may somehow land in influential circles and you'll want to ride their coattails to greatness and wealth. It would be a shame to lose such a friend.

EQUATION 2 - Friendship Net Income

What One Brings to the Friendship - What One Mooches off the Friendship

This is one of the easiest equations to calculate. Simply gauge what your friend in question brings to the relationship (humor, confidence, food, money, car, women, etc.) and subtract what he or she mooches or takes from the relationship (humor, confidence, food, money, car, women, etc.).

Start with these two equations and if any of your friends make the cut I'll personally email you the final equation so that you can make the final decision. Don't be afraid to employ these equations in your life, there is nothing better than a good friend purge.

Your Calculating Servant,

Uncle Tom

I'm the Reason more and more Americans are Choosing NOT to have Children

I am just getting more and more powerful. As the days go by and as I meet new people my influence is spreading. I already knew I could clear a room with a well-timed "F" bomb or make even the hardiest man cry as I viciously attack his personal integrity and then turn and do the same to his mother's character. But what I didn't realize initially was the more far-reaching, devastating effect I was having on the American population. In a recent study, researches found that I was the number 5 reason people didn't want to have children. The article goes on to explain,

"The 5th most common explanation couples are opting out of raising children is because of one specific individual. This is the first time in this survey's 125 year history that a single person has been named as a reason for not wanting to have children. Over 25% of individuals surveyed said that having children was too risky as long as Uncle Tom was still living. They didn't want to run the risk of having their children ever meet Uncle Tom or God forbid, become like him."

I've got to admit I'm feeling pretty good these days. It just feels good to give something back to the country. The fewer stupid people who are born into this nation the better and there I am on the front lines, making it happen. Even though it was a great honor to be named as one of the top 5 reasons people aren't having kids, it will pale in comparison at the end of next week when the FBI releases its list of the 10 most wanted men in America. I've got a feeling you'll be seeing Uncle Tom again.

Your Influential Servant,

Uncle Tom

Politics can Turn on you like a Vengeful Woman

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. - Willy Shakespeare

This week the only woman I have ever loved, including my own mother, turned on me. She promised we would always be together. She said she wanted to be the mother of my children. I guess I should have seen it coming but I was blind. She blinded me with the promise of power and influence. She promised victory but only delivered the cold casserole of defeat.

Politics have left me for another man.

I guess I should have seen the warning signs. She started taking a subtle interest in other candidates. All of a sudden she started getting phone calls late at night but I didn't think much of it. There were other campaign signs in our garage and when I asked her about them she said that they were just friends who needed a place to stay for awhile. How could I get upset about that? It seemed innocent enough at the time.

Well as she was packing her stuff and walking away I asked her where we went wrong. She said that I wasn't meeting her needs and she needed a man who could win. I begged her to stay but she said it was too late. The primaries are less than a month away and she said she couldn't waste the best years of her life with a political failure who had illusions of grandeur.

I'm doing my best to move on but it's difficult. But I hear that religion is single again so maybe I'll give her a try.

Anger is So Hot Right Now

I've never been one for fashion. I know that they say, "Clothes make the man," but I just don't buy into that panda manure. The only type of fashion I follow is emotional fashion. That is an area in my life where I need to be up on all the latest trends. A few years ago it was really cool to be depressed. That was the hip emotion to be constantly parading at the time. But like in the world of clothes, things can change quick. The current trend that I am a slave to and spend all of my free time trying to improve is anger. It is just so hot right now.

The best thing about emotional fashion is the price. It costs you nothing to stay current. In the fashion world you are constantly buying new clothes as fads come and go but emotional fashion is as easy as being unpredictable and unsteady. I am really loving the fact that anger is what's "in" right now because I've been told I look the best in anger. It is also a plus because I never have to decide how to feel about world events and the things happening in my life. I just go with whatever is hot at the moment. Emotional fashion has really simplified my life.

I saw an apathetic kid the other night and I wanted to educate him with my fist. Apathy is so 2008. Get with the times dip stick. Anger is king in 2010.

One of my idols when it comes to emotional fashion this year is Mel Gibson. He has really taken it to a whole new level. I have tried to follow his good example but I don't want to get too carried away because there have been whisperings on the emotional fashion catwalks across the world that anger is on its way out to make room for arrogance. I can't wait to see that new line.

Your Fashionable Servant,

Uncle Tom

I Already Know Everything I'll ever Need to Know about Women

Author's note: This week's post is a direct rebuttal to Leah Pettit and her article on American men.

Although I am 22 and have never had a girlfriend and haven't been on a date in nearly a year, I already know everything I'll ever need to know about women. Now this deliberate gap and limited grasp of women would seem like a handicap but I will tell you that it has made me the highly intelligent and fiercely independent man you see before you. I have absolutely no interest in understanding women any better then I do now and I have no plans to change my wide, vague and brutally stereotypical and generalized opinions of the so called fairer sex.

I am perfectly happy to spew out emotionally-charged gender slurs without doing any research or spending any time with any sort of woman. I found out what really matters about the female sex when my roommate got dumped by his girlfriend of two weeks. That pretty much summed it all up for me. What more do I need to know to stigmatize women as biological and hormonal timebombs on a fiery train of nagging?

I'm not going to let myself know anymore about women. All women are man hating liberals who want all the power of a man but none of the responsibility and I will resist any attempt to challenge my assertions with correct facts or field experience. For reasons I am completely unable to articulate and defend, women are the bane of an efficient and logical world.

One time I actually started listening to someone expound the positives about women with words I didn't want to hear like equal rights, respect, and love but then I remembered how much easier it is to live in a world where I can just label and broad-brush a huge group of people and use them as the vessel for all of my insecurities.

Your Sexist Servant,

Uncle Tom

The First Great Treatise of Uncle Tom "Rock Music"

Rock serves for entertainment, for revolution, and for social unity. Its most common use, for entertainment, is just as splendid in private as in public; for revolution due to its rebellious nature and free following mantra; social unity because of its mass appeal. Expert and gifted men can execute the production and performance of this art, but the general public merely observes and reveres rock.



Rock perfects people; they are perfected by experiencing rock music. One great rock song or one great rock show can change the world. However, world changing rock is like the craft of a blacksmith. It must go through the hot, refining fire of the individual. If the individual is not moved by the music, he will cast it aside as a blacksmith disregards unalterable iron.

Gangster types don't comprehend rock, freedom-fighter types praise rock, government types fear rock. The gangster condemns rock because he does not understand the art and purpose to which it is intended. A gangster type is unrefined and rock is most refined. The two substances cannot and will not mix. The freedom fighters exalt rock because it is their outlet of expression and voice to the world. The government fears rock because it proclaims truth to a people unknowingly blinded by those that they elected to protect them.

To all those who rock, we salute you. They who rock are courageous, guitar-wielding heralds, heroically proclaiming change and reform. They are on the front lines, liberating the metaphorically captive with their sweet rock. They rock to lift the spirits of the down trodden, the hopeless, and encourage those with a dream. Silicis est verum, lux lucis, via*

Milk is good for the skeleton, exercise for the heart, carrots for the eyes, and rock for the soul. For if a man is troubled, let him listen to Pink Floyd and forget his heartache for a season. If a man is tired, let him listen to AC/DC for that will invigorate him.

For every deficiency of the soul has a rock song to remedy.

*Latin: Rock is the truth, the light, and the way.

Write like a Real Blogger, Blogger

Hello readers. Look at your blog. Now back to mine. Now back to yours and now back to mine. Does your blog look like mine? No. But could it look like mine? Yes. If you stopped writing like a politically correct, liberal, wuss-bucket and started writing with no regard to people's feelings, reputations, connections, families, futures, or personal lives, then you could be a real blogger like me.

You will see your average blog hits at least triple as soon as you start doing a little slandering. If you consistently serve up a delicious little morsel of libel, people will flock to your page like poor people flock to the Democrats. Don't be afraid of the consequences. Our beloved Constitution is not yet hanging by a thread and you can say anything you want and claim it as free speech. If you do get brought to justice for your beautiful blogging, just pass it off as a satirical joke and then everyone can go home happy.

Now that you have the basic theory, go ahead and swan dive into the best blogging of your life. Start one up and stir the pot a little. I would gracefully and graciously accept any challengers to my reign as the supreme blogger.

Your Blogging Servant,
Uncle Tom

King Henry: Where the Girls are Girls and the Guys are too

Where can I turn for peace? Where can I turn for some intelligent people with correct political thinking? The search for such a place still continues. I thought that a move away from the hellhole called Roman Gardens would afford me a chance to at least associate with folks who know a good candidate campaign sign when they see one. But I guess this is just more proof of what I already knew... people in general are dumb.

I moved into King Henry Apartments this week and I was absolutely horrified with what I saw. This place is no more than a colony of male nudity and wanna-be Senator's sons. I really am not sure what I was expecting but anything has got to be better than six shirtless jabronis attempting to play sand volleyball while oiling each other up with coco butter for girls who are Daddy's little princesses.

King Henry Apartments has all the feel of a country club but none of the actual accomplishment. The feeling of a grown man living in his parent's basement rends the air. There is that constant notion of party, social debauchery, entitlement, and immaturity everywhere you go on the premises of the aforementioned place.

The only thing which gets me through the few conscious hours which I spend here is the hope that one day Miss Butter-biscuits will appear in a blaze of beauty and elegance and rescue me from this bad dream of a canceled MTV reality show.

Your Sickened Servant,
Uncle Tom

Adam Winchester: God-Fearing Patriot or Closet Communist?

While out shuffling through the vast wasteland of the internet, but more specially the social pool of intellectual decay Facebook, I came across this piece of fine literature. It was written by one of the greatest Americans of this generation. I would like to break it down in order to understand the man behind the majesty.

My name is Adam Miller Winchester. I grew up in Idaho and plan on settling down there. I enjoy many things such as a good game of baseball, a trip to the mountains and listening to country music. I enjoy intellectual conversations, that stimulate the mind and cause you to think. I love working in agriculture and teaching people new things. I admire women and find them fascinating. Nothing beats a hard days work and the sense of accomplishment it brings. I feel people need to progress and take pride in whatever it is they do. I find that self mastery is the quickest way to happiness and self respect. This world is about overcoming oneself and thinking of others, serving them and reaching goals. The three most important things in existence are the God you worship, the family you belong to, and the nation of which you are a part. Good friends are the quickest way to success and one should surround himself with successful people to be successful themselves. Love and caring exceed all else. I speak Armenian and am learning Spanish. I can play a bit on the guitar.

My name is Adam Miller Winchester. I grew up in Idaho and plan on settling down there. I enjoy many things such as a good game of baseball, a trip to the mountains and listening to country music.
This snippet from his magnum opus makes me believe he is a true American. His name just sounds as American as a name originally from the depths of England can. He hails from Idaho which is undoubtedly the most American state there is and it is too great to litter. Not only does he love baseball and the mountains but he loves baseball games in the mountains.

I enjoy intellectual conversations, that stimulate the mind and cause you to think.
This is pure communist fodder. It is common knowledge that communists relish intellectual conversation which stimulates the mind. This is strong evidence that Winchester is a closet communist. A true American is a capitalist at heart and has no time for intellectual conversation because he is too busy making money. If he eventually come out of the closet you can say that you read it here first.

I admire women and find them fascinating.
To adequately discuss this line from the Great Bio would require an entire blog all its own. Maybe someday in the future.

Nothing beats a hard days work and the sense of accomplishment it brings. I feel people need to progress and take pride in whatever it is they do. I find that self mastery is the quickest way to happiness and self respect. This world is about overcoming oneself and thinking of others, serving them and reaching goals.
I'm not an expert on communism like Winchester but I'm pretty sure this is a direct quote from Lenin himself. It surprises me greatly that no freedom loving American has called him out on his communist tendencies before today but I guess that's why you have Uncle Tom. I'm far too intelligent to be bamboozled and have the wool pulled over my eyes by this hypocrite of the worst manner.

The three most important things in existence are the God you worship, the family you belong to, and the nation of which you are a part.
This is just a cover-up for his communist sentiments. It's like a gay guy dating a girl to hide the fact that he is flaming.

Good friends are the quickest way to success and one should surround himself with successful people to be successful themselves.
What he means to say is, "Good communist friends are the quickest way to success and one should surround himself with communist people to be communist themselves."

I speak Armenian...
For your consideration, Armenian is a language spoken in a former communist country. Just saying

I have provided you the facts dear reader and now I leave it to you to decide if Adam Winchester is a communist. VOTE NOW!

Back from the Dead

There have been some vicious rumors floating around that I had died or was assassinated but to the personal chagrin of my enemies and many of my friends and family, I am more alive than ever. I took a little bit of a vacation from the blogging but now I'm back with a vengeance to rain down furry and hellfire on the civilized world once more. I am like Lazarus, the Ghost of Christmas future and a mind devouring zombie all rolled into one sleek and sexy package. I hope the ignorant masses are ready to come back from their summer vacation of disillusionment.

You thought you could get rid of old Uncle Tom that easily? How foolish.

Your Rejuvenated Servant,
Uncle Tom

You are Your Own Worst Enemy, but After That it's Me.

Beloved Reader, I've got to be honest with you. I've been watching this last week and I have to say that I'm worried about you. The way you are procrastinating things, settling for less than your best, and making no effort to get out there and date some people, well it all has me greatly concerned. You have a lot of really admirable qualities but the truth is sometimes you can be your own worst enemy, even more so than the master of destruction and debauchery and your true enemy, me.

You're smart, funny, talented, but you have so many self-destructive tendencies. You are always tearing yourself down. Now why would you tear yourself down when you could have me do that for you? Take it easy on yourself, sit back and relax and allow old Uncle Tom to point out all of your shortcomings and annoying personality traits.

There really is no reason to sabotage your dreams and aspirations with your pessimistic and fatalistic thinking, I've been up for nights on end thinking of how to do just that for you. In all reality you should be thanking me for taking such a noble interest in your life. I'm saving you a lot of anxiety and countless hours stuck in self-abasing thought.

So keep your chin up. You've got a lot of potential and you're going places. There's no reason to get down on yourself because I'll be doggin' you enough to satisfy both your need to be self-loathing and my need to put others down to lift myself up.

Your Concerned Servant,
Uncle Tom

I'm Sick of Hypocrites in Politics

The great hypocrites of politics are not the shady elected officials like Richard Nixon or the crafty and deft Benjamin Disraeli. Acting like a hypocrite is just one of the many tools available to a rising politician. The old adage "All is fair in war and love" needs to be remixed by a dexterous DJ to read "All is fair in war, love, and politics." The real hypocrites in politics are the people who claim to be avid followers and students of politics but they are mere amateurs, fair-weather fans, half-baked, sorry excuses for concerned and active citizens. If you are going to follow political happenings you've got to eat, drink, sleep, digest, and breathe politics.

If there is one thing that I know well it's how to spot a fake follower of the Gospel of Politics. There is nothing more honorable and nothing more praiseworthy than a man who is fervent, genuine and pious in his practice of politics. There is nothing on earth more odious than the false showing of political interest and knowledge. It is as the good Lord said, "Dead men's bones." These charlatans and false priests defy and desecrate everything that is sacred and hallowed to me.

They preach their dubious doctrine in every social setting and imaginable place possible. You cannot be a great scholar of politics until it consumes your entire being. I just don't see that among the current professors of the political gospel. With their unholy zeal they lead hundreds astray into ignorant and misinformed darkness. This type is all too common. They go about trumpeting their assumed knowledge but beware good reader, that you do not heed the tune of those pied pipers who will lead you nowhere but off the cliff of false political religion.

Stay Vigilant.

Your Faith Defending Servant,
Uncle Tom

The Only Thing High about High Society is the Price

These days the ignorant masses have confused what it means to be high class or high society. Foolishly they have supposed that wealth was an automatic invitation to the cultured life. In a more pristine time being wealthy and classy were two separate things. It was a state of mind rather than the state of your checkbook. It was a lifestyle rather than a life expenditure. These days a couple throws a nice lawn party or they go the extra mile for their daughter's wedding and all of a sudden they are high class. I am crusading, imploring you dear reader, that such things should not be.

If a man be rich I have nothing against him, but let him not pretend to be classy as well. If a man be a red neck and he stumble upon a great treasure, does he automatically transform into the epitome of wit and social grace? God forbid. He is just a rich red neck whereas he was once a poor red neck. Classy is not measured in yearly earnings or in stocks and bonds. Classy operates under a whole different system. A man may possess the world but if he never becomes classy what does it profit him?

Classy is a most sought after title, it is the highest compliment that can be paid to an individual. It can not be bought with that filthy lucre but must be earned.

It is my wish that each of you may be as classy as myself one day.

Your Classy Servant,
Uncle Tom

July 4th- The Only Birthday Equal to Mine

America's another year older and still the greatest country in the world. I normally don't celebrate other people's birthdays because birthdays are just a commemoration and a reminder that another stupid person was born on that particular day.

In honor of Independence Day I present you,faithful reader, with this moving and patriotic clip. It illustrates everything that I believe is good and great about America.


Your Patriotic Servant,
Uncle Tom

Roman Gardens Just Got Black-Listed

I'm making a list and there is no need to check it twice. The list is my hit list and the ridiculously pretentious apartment complex "Roman Gardens" is public enemy number one. I always knew the place was a hell hole but I never realized that it was a hell hole within a hell hole. Dante may have made it to the lowest ring of Hell in The Inferno but what he forgot to check the door that said basement. What he would have found had he entered that godless place is Roman Gardens.



I won't bore you with the details good reader how I came to this discovery but let it suffice to say that it was the diabolical work of an incompetent miscreant. They call him Land Lord but his kingdom is filth. He manages decrepit stalls where the souls of men go to wither and die. With his wretched queen by his side he works in all the dark arts of scroogery.

How will I enact my revenge you ask? How will I make this foul coward pay for his heinous crimes against humanity's greatest creation aka me? I swear by everything holy that when my epic dreams are realized, for they will be realized, Roman Gardens will be pillaged, sacked, and then burnt to the ground. In a final act of defiance and revenge I will pee upon the ashes and then gather them up and leave them in burlap bags upon the doorstep of the dark lord himself. Only then will my revenge be complete.

Your Spiteful Servant,
Uncle Tom

Thank You Dad for All the Priceless Lessons

In honor of Father's Day I thought I would devote this week's blog completely to the important and unforgettable lessons that my father has taught me.


My Father

1. Hate for Yourself
My father was a man full of prejudices and ignorantly assumed notions of people and groups but he never forced his beliefs on me. I remember sitting under the old oak tree in the backyard when he said,"Tom, you need to start hating for yourself now. You can't live off your mother's and my hate anymore. But always remember what we've taught you about liberals, democrats, and gays."
"Alright Dean."
"Call me dad Tom."
"Alright Dad."

2.Never Surrender Never Sell Out
Many people have called my father a stubborn fool but I like to think of him as determined. To illustrate the point, my father still uses Windows 95. He believes that by upgrading he would be selling out to the man. He paid for Windows 95 and he won't get sucked into the technological black hole of our generation. He says it's all a sham. They had the know-how to make Windows 7 back in 95 but they just wanted to slow play it and squeeze you for all the money you got. Can't say I agree with that part specifically but I like the idea behind the madness.

3. Always Look at the Mother Before Taking a Girl Out on a Date
I'm pretty sure this one doesn't need any explanation.

Your Nostalgic Servant,
Uncle Tom

It's Going to Take More Than a 200 Pound Buck to Stop Me

Mother Nature thought she gave me quite a scare this past week. My partner-in-crime and I were speeding down the road in the greatest state in the USA (not Idaho mind you) after a night of debauchery and ill will, and a huge deer just jumped out of oblivion and into our path. Had I been the one driving I could have easily avoided the suicidal mammal. Even though my partner and I were spawned from the same pit of eternal darkness, I am the one who possesses the quick reflexes and hatred for all of God's creations.

This unfortunate little episode was nothing but a gnat at my BBQ of life. Annoying but in no way of any significance. My partner was screaming like a school girl at the opening of Twilight while I remained calm throughout the whole ordeal. It's going to take more than that to get a rise out of me. I really thought Mother Nature knew that. You're talking to the guy who sleeps through earthquakes and tornadoes and runs out in hail-storms just to get some ice for his Ginger Ale.

Needless to say the deer was killed instantly and the car was totaled. If anything can be taken from this experience it is this: Tom Schultz cannot be stopped. Any time there is an obstacle in my way I will plow through it in a blaze of blood, guts and glory.

Your Invincible Servant,
Uncle Tom

I'm Going to Start Harvesting My Rage

Sometimes an idea slaps you across the face like an arrogant girl. I have been slapped by both in the last week. I came to the realization that I spend a good deal of my time in a society-induced rage and I'm not doing anything with that potential energy source.

I'm no tree-hugger but I do hug and cuddle something else that is green... money. And there is money to be made in the rage business. Every time that I hear a femi-man speak or listen to the political theories of Adam Winchester, I am letting pure and unadulterated power and energy slip through my fingers. When I begin to harvest this rage, I will become completely self-reliant, I'll have a personal power plant, I'll be a light unto the nations as it says in the good book.

Just think, I wake up in the morning and toast my bread by the heat of my very own anger. So say a date was a total disaster the night before because she wouldn't kiss me after I bought her ice cream. Instead of kicking her out and making her walk home, I should be thanking her for igniting my turbines and giving me the fuel I need to power my home appliances.

Harvesting your rage is the way of the future. There's enough rage in the Schultz household to power a decent size American city. It's a sure fire idea because there may be a limited amount of coal and oil but my rage knows no limits.

Your Environmentally Friendly Servant,
Uncle Tom

It Sure is Nice to Feel Wanted...for Arson

I have really felt special these last few weeks and it's great to get some attention. I've been somewhat removed from society this last year with the campaign and my evil schemes, but now it seems that everyone knows my name. Even though I had to flee Utah and keep a low profile in Iowa, it sure is nice to feel wanted for the burning of the Boys and Girls Club building.

Who knew that pouring gasoline and Jack Daniels all over a local kids' hangout and dropping a match would make such a difference? But I guess after a year of being a lone wolf I had forgotten the sweet joy of making a difference in someone else's life. It's not just the kiddos who want to meet me. Their parents want to know what I was thinking and even the Honorable Police Chief of Provo said he can't wait to run into me.

Even my roommates want me to come forward and they haven't talked to me since the first day of school back in 2009. But there they are on Channel 5 News every night talking about all the interesting stuff I did that they noticed. I've got to be honest, burning down that gathering place for underprivileged children from shaky households was the best decision I ever made.

The best part is even the FBI wants to set up a meeting with me. Do you know how long it has been since I've had guests over to the house? In the past the neighbors would come over ever so often just to see if I was still taking my medication but just a few days ago my house was swarming with guests. Unfortunately I wasn't there to offer them a recreational beverage but it was nice that they stopped by.

Being so popular is great and all but sometimes an arsonist just needs some time to himself, to ponder and burn small things in preparation for bigger burns. So with that in mind I think I'll stay on the down low and just enjoy all this new found attention from afar.

Your Wanted Servant,
Uncle Tom

A Happy Mothers Day to Me

As mothers the world over are showered in gifts and praise today, one mother will go over-looked. This mother has given birth to one of mankind's must valuable resources. It goes without saying that I am that mother.

I don't have a mother in the traditional, limited sense of the word. I gave birth to myself and so technically that makes me a mother too. I'm a self-made man. I deserve all the praise that any mother does and maybe more because mine was more than a 9 month pregnancy. If the truth were to be told, I'm continually pregnant. I'm always being reborn and developing into a more powerful and smarter man.

I would also consider myself a mother to the world as a whole. Not only do I suckle the universe on the milk of my brilliance but I have conceived and nurtured the most diabolically well-crafted political strategies of the current century. My children won't send me flowers or even a ridiculous e-card, but anytime an enemy is crushed by one of my offspring, it's Mothers Day all over again.

Your Matron and Servant,
Uncle Tom

Politics are My Mistress

I am as straight as the aisle that runs down the middle of the Senate chamber but I'm here to tell you I don't need a girlfriend. I already have a woman that I devote every waking breath and thought to, her name is politics. I don't have time for a human woman and all of the accompanying problems and headaches. Politics may be an icy succubus but she sure beats all the girls I know. My mistress doesn't require flowers, chocolates, dates, effort, affection, understanding, compromise or even a sense of humor. That's why I love her and that's also why I'll never leave her.

"But Uncle Tom," the unenlightened herd of humanity asks, "what about those long and cold nights? What about the warm touch of a woman? How can you survive without that?" First of all, anytime I've held hands with a woman, I get sweaty palms. There is nothing so disgusting and ultimately vomit-inducing as sweaty palms. I'm surprised anyone even holds hands at all these days. It's so uncivilized and vulgar. The animals don't do it and if they don't do it than it's unnatural and anything unnatural needs to be avoided at all cost.

I look forward to the day where I can bind myself legally ad loftily to politics. The great thing about this current gay marriage debate is it will open up the arbitrary marriage debate. Soon people will be able to marry their most beloved ideology or theory. That is the day I will be truly happy. Then I'll settle down with the Mrs. and start a family of theories and diabolical schemes. I'll be bouncing baby ideas on my knee and then watch them grow and mature. Their mother and I will grow old together and live happily ever after.

Your Love Struck Servant,
Uncle Tom

I Have Raided My Last Intellectually Weak Fortress

The problem with being as intelligent as myself is the dreadful lack of competition. Every great and dominant leader throughout history has had an adversary worth his consideration and respect. Jesus had Satan. Alexander had Darius. Conan O'Brian had Jay Leno. Uncle Tom has no one.

I no longer get a high off verbally destroying an over-zealous ladder climber, psychological warfare against low-aspiring, half-wit politicians has lost its romance, and I just can not find the fire to pillage the empty mental castles of my so called enemies. To paraphrase the 1965 hit by the Righteous Brothers, "Baby, you've lost that fightin' feeling."

After Darius died, Alexander the Great had nothing to live for. He became a drunkard and an idolatrous man. He no longer had that great and constant opposition to keep him sharp. I'm beginning to understand that. I have become intellectually drunk by the foul liquor of stupidity that ever surrounds me. I will be forever hungover with the whiskey of small minds and reactionary thinkers. No man can hold a candle to my flame of superiority. I need not even mention how futile it would be for a woman to attempt to do so.

I have hopes that sometime, somewhere, the good Lord will raise up an opponent actually worth my time and efforts. If that never happens I will put my faith in science and patiently await the day in which I will have the ability to clone myself... Naturally I would have to destroy myself because there is only room for one Tom Schultz and even with one it gets a little crowded at times.

Your Able Servant,

Uncle Tom

I Refuse to Shackle Myself with the Chains of Common Courtesy

Alleged good manners and common courtesy are nothing more than another attempt by society to bind me down to yet another ridiculous notion. These two social handcuffs are just an insurance policy, slapped on by the self-righteous to make themselves feel superior. It is if for this very reason that I've cast common courtesy off forever.

The amount of freedom I feel since breaking the bonds of common courtesy is indescribable. I feel like a POW who has just escaped a death camp and there's no going back now. I wouldn't trade this new found liberty for anything. Actually just the other day I dropped a string of heart-felt profanities in public as well as in the presence of a lady. It was amazing. No regret. No embarrassment. I'm telling you folks, this is what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they talked about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

The masses fear a man who is not carrying the yoke of common courtesy. They don't want to cross a man who decency and kindness can't hold back from releasing a swarm of insults, petty arguments, and angry tirades.

Now you wonder if a man who is so free can still have friends who are still in bondage. The answer is yes and I'll tell you why. Those still chained to common courtesy are cowards and shake with fear in the presence of societies task-masters. The only freedom they taste is through a warrior like me, and that's what keeps them coming back, even when they've been blasted with my special kind of liberty.

And also, common courtesy is just so common and who wants to be that?

Your Faithful Servant,

Uncle Tom

The Opening Act

It is with great delight and moderate surprise that I open up this blog. As many of you know, I have been anxiously engaged in raining down verbal hellfire upon my adversaries. I now bring the war to a new battlefield.

I take great pride in my work because I feel that I can give back to this fine country.
The thing I realized about blogging is you can never walk away. Its one of those jobs that society doesn't want to recognize. Its all dirt and blood.
Many people have said that blogging is only for the living-dead who roam the vast digital streets of the web late at night. And just because its a God-forsaken blackhole of information doesn't mean that the blogs should be shoddy. Sometimes people forget that. I've seen a lot in this disreputable hobby. Its stuff most people suspect but few ever see. I am one of those few but not the proud.
Friend you wouldn't last three furlongs in my world. It pulls you in though. You can't ever walk away from blogging. People think they know what that means but they don't. Not really.
The one thing that brings a mental tear to the eye of my mind is that I know with a surety that I'm not a lifer. This bittersweet symphony has an end for this blogger.
But I know that it'll never leave me. You may take the boy out of the blog but you can't take the blog out of the boy.
I remain your faithful universal critic.
Uncle Tom