Beloved Reader, I've got to be honest with you. I've been watching this last week and I have to say that I'm worried about you. The way you are procrastinating things, settling for less than your best, and making no effort to get out there and date some people, well it all has me greatly concerned. You have a lot of really admirable qualities but the truth is sometimes you can be your own worst enemy, even more so than the master of destruction and debauchery and your true enemy, me.
You're smart, funny, talented, but you have so many self-destructive tendencies. You are always tearing yourself down. Now why would you tear yourself down when you could have me do that for you? Take it easy on yourself, sit back and relax and allow old Uncle Tom to point out all of your shortcomings and annoying personality traits.
There really is no reason to sabotage your dreams and aspirations with your pessimistic and fatalistic thinking, I've been up for nights on end thinking of how to do just that for you. In all reality you should be thanking me for taking such a noble interest in your life. I'm saving you a lot of anxiety and countless hours stuck in self-abasing thought.
So keep your chin up. You've got a lot of potential and you're going places. There's no reason to get down on yourself because I'll be doggin' you enough to satisfy both your need to be self-loathing and my need to put others down to lift myself up.
Your Concerned Servant,
Uncle Tom
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