I am just getting more and more powerful. As the days go by and as I meet new people my influence is spreading. I already knew I could clear a room with a well-timed "F" bomb or make even the hardiest man cry as I viciously attack his personal integrity and then turn and do the same to his mother's character. But what I didn't realize initially was the more far-reaching, devastating effect I was having on the American population. In a recent study, researches found that I was the number 5 reason people didn't want to have children. The article goes on to explain,"The 5th most common explanation couples are opting out of raising children is because of one specific individual. This is the first time in this survey's 125 year history that a single person has been named as a reason for not wanting to have children. Over 25% of individuals surveyed said that having children was too risky as long as Uncle Tom was still living. They didn't want to run the risk of having their children ever meet Uncle Tom or God forbid, become like him."
I've got to admit I'm feeling pretty good these days. It just feels good to give something back to the country. The fewer stupid people who are born into this nation the better and there I am on the front lines, making it happen. Even though it was a great honor to be named as one of the top 5 reasons people aren't having kids, it will pale in comparison at the end of next week when the FBI releases its list of the 10 most wanted men in America. I've got a feeling you'll be seeing Uncle Tom again.
Your Influential Servant,
Uncle Tom
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