I Have Raided My Last Intellectually Weak Fortress

The problem with being as intelligent as myself is the dreadful lack of competition. Every great and dominant leader throughout history has had an adversary worth his consideration and respect. Jesus had Satan. Alexander had Darius. Conan O'Brian had Jay Leno. Uncle Tom has no one.

I no longer get a high off verbally destroying an over-zealous ladder climber, psychological warfare against low-aspiring, half-wit politicians has lost its romance, and I just can not find the fire to pillage the empty mental castles of my so called enemies. To paraphrase the 1965 hit by the Righteous Brothers, "Baby, you've lost that fightin' feeling."

After Darius died, Alexander the Great had nothing to live for. He became a drunkard and an idolatrous man. He no longer had that great and constant opposition to keep him sharp. I'm beginning to understand that. I have become intellectually drunk by the foul liquor of stupidity that ever surrounds me. I will be forever hungover with the whiskey of small minds and reactionary thinkers. No man can hold a candle to my flame of superiority. I need not even mention how futile it would be for a woman to attempt to do so.

I have hopes that sometime, somewhere, the good Lord will raise up an opponent actually worth my time and efforts. If that never happens I will put my faith in science and patiently await the day in which I will have the ability to clone myself... Naturally I would have to destroy myself because there is only room for one Tom Schultz and even with one it gets a little crowded at times.

Your Able Servant,

Uncle Tom