When it Comes to Keeping Friends it's All About the Numbers

I have always been all about the calculations and the numbers. Human life, suffering, pride, and well-being mean nothing to me compared to the bottom line of my personal enjoyment and advancement. In today's blog I will share with you some basic equations which I have personally derived to determine if certain friends are worth the investment of my "emotional capital." Feel free to use these equations with your own friends. Weigh them in the balance and if they are found wanting, cut them loose. You cannot afford to be spending time or investing yourself in friendships which won't last, won't produce, and won't help you achieve your ultimate goals.

EQUATION 1 - Probability of Future Profitability

Future Career x Parents' Economic Status / Condition of the Economy

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General Connections and Networking Skills

Some friends, regardless of how painstakingly annoying and obnoxious they are now, are worth keeping around because they have potential to be profitable to you in the future. They may plan on becoming doctors or businessmen who can contribute to your campaign or they may somehow land in influential circles and you'll want to ride their coattails to greatness and wealth. It would be a shame to lose such a friend.

EQUATION 2 - Friendship Net Income

What One Brings to the Friendship - What One Mooches off the Friendship

This is one of the easiest equations to calculate. Simply gauge what your friend in question brings to the relationship (humor, confidence, food, money, car, women, etc.) and subtract what he or she mooches or takes from the relationship (humor, confidence, food, money, car, women, etc.).

Start with these two equations and if any of your friends make the cut I'll personally email you the final equation so that you can make the final decision. Don't be afraid to employ these equations in your life, there is nothing better than a good friend purge.

Your Calculating Servant,

Uncle Tom