I Already Know Everything I'll ever Need to Know about Women

Author's note: This week's post is a direct rebuttal to Leah Pettit and her article on American men.

Although I am 22 and have never had a girlfriend and haven't been on a date in nearly a year, I already know everything I'll ever need to know about women. Now this deliberate gap and limited grasp of women would seem like a handicap but I will tell you that it has made me the highly intelligent and fiercely independent man you see before you. I have absolutely no interest in understanding women any better then I do now and I have no plans to change my wide, vague and brutally stereotypical and generalized opinions of the so called fairer sex.

I am perfectly happy to spew out emotionally-charged gender slurs without doing any research or spending any time with any sort of woman. I found out what really matters about the female sex when my roommate got dumped by his girlfriend of two weeks. That pretty much summed it all up for me. What more do I need to know to stigmatize women as biological and hormonal timebombs on a fiery train of nagging?

I'm not going to let myself know anymore about women. All women are man hating liberals who want all the power of a man but none of the responsibility and I will resist any attempt to challenge my assertions with correct facts or field experience. For reasons I am completely unable to articulate and defend, women are the bane of an efficient and logical world.

One time I actually started listening to someone expound the positives about women with words I didn't want to hear like equal rights, respect, and love but then I remembered how much easier it is to live in a world where I can just label and broad-brush a huge group of people and use them as the vessel for all of my insecurities.

Your Sexist Servant,

Uncle Tom