Thus saith the Lord; Behold, I will raise up against Babylon and against them that dwell in the midst of them that rise up against me, a destroying wind.
–Jeremiah 51:1
The King Henry Apartment complex is not for the tender hearted. It’s a place where the soulless portion of the student body goes to waste away; waste away their time, resources and talents. King Henry is like the Sirens up on the cliff. You are drawn in by their physical beauty and sweet song of promise, but in the end you’ve shipwrecked yourself on the rocks of disappointment. Consider me to be your lighthouse on the shore. I will tell you the true nature of the King Henry apartments and save you from inevitable heartache.
The thing which is most important in understanding the King Henry apartments is the rent is too damn high. College students working 20 hours a week at a job which provides less spending money than an Afghanistan allowance cannot afford to pay the outrageous rates of King Henry. Just by glancing at the rent payment you will immediately understand why they named it King Henry, it’s tyrannical. Students have no money in their pockets for the truly significant things such as dates and The Simpsons Season 7 on DVD.
This place is a cold and cruel lover. She will leave you poor in spirit as well as wallet. Once she’s got her legal talons into your back there is no escape. You can bid farewell to your chances of an enjoyable semester because you are a slave to your grades and a slave to King Henry.
I realized that King Henry was a colony of male nudity. Men and boys on all sides performing tasks and participating in activities, all of which could and should have been done in clothes. I’ll spare you the graphic details but let it suffice to say that one fellow was reading God’s good word in the buff. I felt like I stepped out of reality and into the poor man’s version of an Abercrombie and Finch magazine. It seems like even the coming of winter won’t save my heterosexual sight because there is a constant parade of man skin to King Henry’s cesspool of social debauchery, the hot tub.
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