Another Cheap Shot at King Henry Apartments

Thus saith the Lord; Behold, I will raise up against Babylon and against them that dwell in the midst of them that rise up against me, a destroying wind.
–Jeremiah 51:1

The King Henry Apartment complex is not for the tender hearted. It’s a place where the soulless portion of the student body goes to waste away; waste away their time, resources and talents. King Henry is like the Sirens up on the cliff. You are drawn in by their physical beauty and sweet song of promise, but in the end you’ve shipwrecked yourself on the rocks of disappointment. Consider me to be your lighthouse on the shore. I will tell you the true nature of the King Henry apartments and save you from inevitable heartache.

The thing which is most important in understanding the King Henry apartments is the rent is too damn high. College students working 20 hours a week at a job which provides less spending money than an Afghanistan allowance cannot afford to pay the outrageous rates of King Henry. Just by glancing at the rent payment you will immediately understand why they named it King Henry, it’s tyrannical. Students have no money in their pockets for the truly significant things such as dates and The Simpsons Season 7 on DVD.

This place is a cold and cruel lover. She will leave you poor in spirit as well as wallet. Once she’s got her legal talons into your back there is no escape. You can bid farewell to your chances of an enjoyable semester because you are a slave to your grades and a slave to King Henry.

I realized that King Henry was a colony of male nudity. Men and boys on all sides performing tasks and participating in activities, all of which could and should have been done in clothes. I’ll spare you the graphic details but let it suffice to say that one fellow was reading God’s good word in the buff. I felt like I stepped out of reality and into the poor man’s version of an Abercrombie and Finch magazine. It seems like even the coming of winter won’t save my heterosexual sight because there is a constant parade of man skin to King Henry’s cesspool of social debauchery, the hot tub.

Your Karate Master Servant,

Uncle Tom

You've Made a Mockery of Roommate Relations

In my nearly 5 years of living with roommates, I've never been so disappointed. I don't know what I did to be treated this way in my own apartment, the only place in the world where I can fling my personal belongings all over the house and not be forced to pick them up. A man's apartment is his castle and if I can't hang my dirty underwear from the handle of our refrigerator then this is the furthest thing from my fortress. You guys used to be cool with the way I blatantly abused your good will and patience. You expect courtesy, consideration and respect now? I laugh in your face and say you've made a mockery of roommate relations.

If you could see things the way I see them you would understand that there is a roommate's code which I live by. It's a rather long set of standards and expectations but to sum it up it says, "You live here so you can do whatever you want with no regard for others." I know that I only pay a fourth of the rent but that isn't going to stop me from taking advantage of you guys to the fullest.

As I take 45 minute showers in our only bathroom, I hope you take that time to consider what you've done to the general idea of roommate relations. A roommate should not have to change his lifestyle to accommodate others, not in a free country like America. I'm a pretty easy going guy but that's where I draw the line. I'm not going to stop leaving the lights on early in the morning and leaving the house without shutting the door because that would just be turning my back on my principles. And I never turn my back on my principles.

So next time you want to call me out for stinking up the entire apartment by burning food or making disproportionately incredible loud amounts of sound as you are trying to sleep, just remember what it means to be a roommate- rolling over and taking it.

When it Comes to Keeping Friends it's All About the Numbers

I have always been all about the calculations and the numbers. Human life, suffering, pride, and well-being mean nothing to me compared to the bottom line of my personal enjoyment and advancement. In today's blog I will share with you some basic equations which I have personally derived to determine if certain friends are worth the investment of my "emotional capital." Feel free to use these equations with your own friends. Weigh them in the balance and if they are found wanting, cut them loose. You cannot afford to be spending time or investing yourself in friendships which won't last, won't produce, and won't help you achieve your ultimate goals.

EQUATION 1 - Probability of Future Profitability

Future Career x Parents' Economic Status / Condition of the Economy

+

General Connections and Networking Skills

Some friends, regardless of how painstakingly annoying and obnoxious they are now, are worth keeping around because they have potential to be profitable to you in the future. They may plan on becoming doctors or businessmen who can contribute to your campaign or they may somehow land in influential circles and you'll want to ride their coattails to greatness and wealth. It would be a shame to lose such a friend.

EQUATION 2 - Friendship Net Income

What One Brings to the Friendship - What One Mooches off the Friendship

This is one of the easiest equations to calculate. Simply gauge what your friend in question brings to the relationship (humor, confidence, food, money, car, women, etc.) and subtract what he or she mooches or takes from the relationship (humor, confidence, food, money, car, women, etc.).

Start with these two equations and if any of your friends make the cut I'll personally email you the final equation so that you can make the final decision. Don't be afraid to employ these equations in your life, there is nothing better than a good friend purge.

Your Calculating Servant,

Uncle Tom

I'm the Reason more and more Americans are Choosing NOT to have Children

I am just getting more and more powerful. As the days go by and as I meet new people my influence is spreading. I already knew I could clear a room with a well-timed "F" bomb or make even the hardiest man cry as I viciously attack his personal integrity and then turn and do the same to his mother's character. But what I didn't realize initially was the more far-reaching, devastating effect I was having on the American population. In a recent study, researches found that I was the number 5 reason people didn't want to have children. The article goes on to explain,

"The 5th most common explanation couples are opting out of raising children is because of one specific individual. This is the first time in this survey's 125 year history that a single person has been named as a reason for not wanting to have children. Over 25% of individuals surveyed said that having children was too risky as long as Uncle Tom was still living. They didn't want to run the risk of having their children ever meet Uncle Tom or God forbid, become like him."

I've got to admit I'm feeling pretty good these days. It just feels good to give something back to the country. The fewer stupid people who are born into this nation the better and there I am on the front lines, making it happen. Even though it was a great honor to be named as one of the top 5 reasons people aren't having kids, it will pale in comparison at the end of next week when the FBI releases its list of the 10 most wanted men in America. I've got a feeling you'll be seeing Uncle Tom again.

Your Influential Servant,

Uncle Tom

Politics can Turn on you like a Vengeful Woman

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. - Willy Shakespeare

This week the only woman I have ever loved, including my own mother, turned on me. She promised we would always be together. She said she wanted to be the mother of my children. I guess I should have seen it coming but I was blind. She blinded me with the promise of power and influence. She promised victory but only delivered the cold casserole of defeat.

Politics have left me for another man.

I guess I should have seen the warning signs. She started taking a subtle interest in other candidates. All of a sudden she started getting phone calls late at night but I didn't think much of it. There were other campaign signs in our garage and when I asked her about them she said that they were just friends who needed a place to stay for awhile. How could I get upset about that? It seemed innocent enough at the time.

Well as she was packing her stuff and walking away I asked her where we went wrong. She said that I wasn't meeting her needs and she needed a man who could win. I begged her to stay but she said it was too late. The primaries are less than a month away and she said she couldn't waste the best years of her life with a political failure who had illusions of grandeur.

I'm doing my best to move on but it's difficult. But I hear that religion is single again so maybe I'll give her a try.