Roman Gardens Just Got Black-Listed

I'm making a list and there is no need to check it twice. The list is my hit list and the ridiculously pretentious apartment complex "Roman Gardens" is public enemy number one. I always knew the place was a hell hole but I never realized that it was a hell hole within a hell hole. Dante may have made it to the lowest ring of Hell in The Inferno but what he forgot to check the door that said basement. What he would have found had he entered that godless place is Roman Gardens.



I won't bore you with the details good reader how I came to this discovery but let it suffice to say that it was the diabolical work of an incompetent miscreant. They call him Land Lord but his kingdom is filth. He manages decrepit stalls where the souls of men go to wither and die. With his wretched queen by his side he works in all the dark arts of scroogery.

How will I enact my revenge you ask? How will I make this foul coward pay for his heinous crimes against humanity's greatest creation aka me? I swear by everything holy that when my epic dreams are realized, for they will be realized, Roman Gardens will be pillaged, sacked, and then burnt to the ground. In a final act of defiance and revenge I will pee upon the ashes and then gather them up and leave them in burlap bags upon the doorstep of the dark lord himself. Only then will my revenge be complete.

Your Spiteful Servant,
Uncle Tom

Thank You Dad for All the Priceless Lessons

In honor of Father's Day I thought I would devote this week's blog completely to the important and unforgettable lessons that my father has taught me.


My Father

1. Hate for Yourself
My father was a man full of prejudices and ignorantly assumed notions of people and groups but he never forced his beliefs on me. I remember sitting under the old oak tree in the backyard when he said,"Tom, you need to start hating for yourself now. You can't live off your mother's and my hate anymore. But always remember what we've taught you about liberals, democrats, and gays."
"Alright Dean."
"Call me dad Tom."
"Alright Dad."

2.Never Surrender Never Sell Out
Many people have called my father a stubborn fool but I like to think of him as determined. To illustrate the point, my father still uses Windows 95. He believes that by upgrading he would be selling out to the man. He paid for Windows 95 and he won't get sucked into the technological black hole of our generation. He says it's all a sham. They had the know-how to make Windows 7 back in 95 but they just wanted to slow play it and squeeze you for all the money you got. Can't say I agree with that part specifically but I like the idea behind the madness.

3. Always Look at the Mother Before Taking a Girl Out on a Date
I'm pretty sure this one doesn't need any explanation.

Your Nostalgic Servant,
Uncle Tom

It's Going to Take More Than a 200 Pound Buck to Stop Me

Mother Nature thought she gave me quite a scare this past week. My partner-in-crime and I were speeding down the road in the greatest state in the USA (not Idaho mind you) after a night of debauchery and ill will, and a huge deer just jumped out of oblivion and into our path. Had I been the one driving I could have easily avoided the suicidal mammal. Even though my partner and I were spawned from the same pit of eternal darkness, I am the one who possesses the quick reflexes and hatred for all of God's creations.

This unfortunate little episode was nothing but a gnat at my BBQ of life. Annoying but in no way of any significance. My partner was screaming like a school girl at the opening of Twilight while I remained calm throughout the whole ordeal. It's going to take more than that to get a rise out of me. I really thought Mother Nature knew that. You're talking to the guy who sleeps through earthquakes and tornadoes and runs out in hail-storms just to get some ice for his Ginger Ale.

Needless to say the deer was killed instantly and the car was totaled. If anything can be taken from this experience it is this: Tom Schultz cannot be stopped. Any time there is an obstacle in my way I will plow through it in a blaze of blood, guts and glory.

Your Invincible Servant,
Uncle Tom