The Death of Uncle Tom

Uncle Tom, age unknown of Midwest America died this morning, November 28, 2010. Although the cause of death is still undetermined, it is being speculated that he died of a hyper-inflated ego combined with complications of a recent unfortunate incident with decency. He is survived by his wife, Politics, and his two sons Profanity and Strategy.

His funeral service is scheduled for December 1, 2010 at which time his ashes will be spread at the grave site of Richard Nixon according to his dying wish.

His blog will continue to bear his name in memory of all his rants, attacks, and politically incorrect sermons. He will long be remembered for his verbally charged opinions about women, liberals, gays, and Adam Winchester. His enemies will sleep easy knowing he has passed on and his acquaintances will be forced to look to a new source for quality real life entertainment.

As always, he was a step ahead of the game because he knew he was dying. He realized this because he saw himself slowly fade into obscurity. There were attempts to revive him but the best efforts of doctors and consultants were futile.

His last words were inappropriate and therefore cannot be reported but he went out fighting and we wouldn't expect any less from Old Uncle Tom.

Uncle Tom

Harry Potter is Destroying America but that won't Keep me from Watching the Movie

As you are already aware, the newest Harry Potter movie hit theaters this week and has continued the destructive business it started all those years ago. People have been planning weddings, social gatherings, charity functions, and their education around this event. The world shuts down when something Harry Potter opens up. I despise the whole Harry Potter franchise for what it is doing to America but that won't stop me from seeing the movie this Friday.

Harry Potter fans will argue that this is one of the best things which has ever happened to the world. It got the children reading books instead of watching TV all the time. They must believe that before the advent of Harry Potter children did not know how to read and these books have eradicated the illiteracy problem from the face of the earth. I would rather the children not read if this is what they are choosing. You could get more from an hour with Scooby Doo than you could get from a month of reading those books.

The movie is no different as far as quality but I have to see it. If I don't I will be ostracized from society. I will have nothing to say at the dinner table. My lady will find me repugnant and uncivilized. I won't understand the jokes and references which people are constantly making in everyday, unrelated conversation. Even if you are like me and want to boycott all things Harry Potter, you know that you'll find yourself on the outside looking in. Your family will disown you. You will be looked upon with more disgust than convicted terrorist.

But as we learn from history, the public's taste is always better than your own. That's why we have pop music and reality TV.

Your Band Wagon Servant,

Uncle Tom

Where is the Loyalty?

The Black Eye Peas once sang a catchy little diddy called Where is the Love. Personally I don't care where the love is and honestly I'd rather never know. Even though I'm very anti-love the song got me thinking. I want to know where is the loyalty. Loyalty is greater than love. For all of you math majors who follow this blog I'll put it in terms you can understand.

Loyalty > Love

We have learned by sad experience that your friends will throw you under the bus the first chance they get. Whatever happened to the good old days when you and all of your friends would drive around in a car terrorizing local groups of pedestrians and then not selling each other out when the cops catch up to you.

It seems like loyalty has gone the way of heterosexual marriage. People would rather just co-habitate in a self-serving friendship rather than settle down in a union of loyal brotherhood. What happened to the friend who would stand up and verbally crack some skulls if one of his compadres was under attack from an unholy source? People just don't do that anymore. They would rather join in and take a few cheap shots at their "friend" before performing the finishing curb stomp.

Times may change but Uncle Tom never will.

Your Loyal Servant,

Uncle Tom

People are like Old Holiday Decorations, They Need to be cut Down

On my daily walk to Taco Bell for some authentic Mexican food I saw some Halloween decorations and my stomach just about turned. We're well into November and people still have their Halloween stuff up. I wanted to knock on that fool's door and inform them that the time has passed and it was time to move on. I was just about ready to make a course correction towards that offender's house when I had an epiphany:

People are like old holiday decorations, they need to be cut down.

I thought it was a brilliant metaphor and I just couldn't stop smiling while I was eating my soggy nachos and stuffing down a few soft shell tacos for 99 cents. When people get a little uppity on you and they need to learn their place, just cut them down with an attack on their personal character or bring up a huge character flaw. If they honestly don't have a devastating weakness, make one up. They'll believe you.

You can't let people just hang all high when their time has past. Just like you wouldn't let your Christmas lights hang past mid-January. Cut those suckers down. It's for the best. Your fellow man will thank you for humbling the world's proud and arrogant. You will be doing a great service to humanity.

The best thing about cutting people down like old holiday decorations is you feel better about yourself and that's what the holidays are all about.

Your Festive Servant,

Uncle Tom