Anger is So Hot Right Now

I've never been one for fashion. I know that they say, "Clothes make the man," but I just don't buy into that panda manure. The only type of fashion I follow is emotional fashion. That is an area in my life where I need to be up on all the latest trends. A few years ago it was really cool to be depressed. That was the hip emotion to be constantly parading at the time. But like in the world of clothes, things can change quick. The current trend that I am a slave to and spend all of my free time trying to improve is anger. It is just so hot right now.

The best thing about emotional fashion is the price. It costs you nothing to stay current. In the fashion world you are constantly buying new clothes as fads come and go but emotional fashion is as easy as being unpredictable and unsteady. I am really loving the fact that anger is what's "in" right now because I've been told I look the best in anger. It is also a plus because I never have to decide how to feel about world events and the things happening in my life. I just go with whatever is hot at the moment. Emotional fashion has really simplified my life.

I saw an apathetic kid the other night and I wanted to educate him with my fist. Apathy is so 2008. Get with the times dip stick. Anger is king in 2010.

One of my idols when it comes to emotional fashion this year is Mel Gibson. He has really taken it to a whole new level. I have tried to follow his good example but I don't want to get too carried away because there have been whisperings on the emotional fashion catwalks across the world that anger is on its way out to make room for arrogance. I can't wait to see that new line.

Your Fashionable Servant,

Uncle Tom

I Already Know Everything I'll ever Need to Know about Women

Author's note: This week's post is a direct rebuttal to Leah Pettit and her article on American men.

Although I am 22 and have never had a girlfriend and haven't been on a date in nearly a year, I already know everything I'll ever need to know about women. Now this deliberate gap and limited grasp of women would seem like a handicap but I will tell you that it has made me the highly intelligent and fiercely independent man you see before you. I have absolutely no interest in understanding women any better then I do now and I have no plans to change my wide, vague and brutally stereotypical and generalized opinions of the so called fairer sex.

I am perfectly happy to spew out emotionally-charged gender slurs without doing any research or spending any time with any sort of woman. I found out what really matters about the female sex when my roommate got dumped by his girlfriend of two weeks. That pretty much summed it all up for me. What more do I need to know to stigmatize women as biological and hormonal timebombs on a fiery train of nagging?

I'm not going to let myself know anymore about women. All women are man hating liberals who want all the power of a man but none of the responsibility and I will resist any attempt to challenge my assertions with correct facts or field experience. For reasons I am completely unable to articulate and defend, women are the bane of an efficient and logical world.

One time I actually started listening to someone expound the positives about women with words I didn't want to hear like equal rights, respect, and love but then I remembered how much easier it is to live in a world where I can just label and broad-brush a huge group of people and use them as the vessel for all of my insecurities.

Your Sexist Servant,

Uncle Tom

The First Great Treatise of Uncle Tom "Rock Music"

Rock serves for entertainment, for revolution, and for social unity. Its most common use, for entertainment, is just as splendid in private as in public; for revolution due to its rebellious nature and free following mantra; social unity because of its mass appeal. Expert and gifted men can execute the production and performance of this art, but the general public merely observes and reveres rock.



Rock perfects people; they are perfected by experiencing rock music. One great rock song or one great rock show can change the world. However, world changing rock is like the craft of a blacksmith. It must go through the hot, refining fire of the individual. If the individual is not moved by the music, he will cast it aside as a blacksmith disregards unalterable iron.

Gangster types don't comprehend rock, freedom-fighter types praise rock, government types fear rock. The gangster condemns rock because he does not understand the art and purpose to which it is intended. A gangster type is unrefined and rock is most refined. The two substances cannot and will not mix. The freedom fighters exalt rock because it is their outlet of expression and voice to the world. The government fears rock because it proclaims truth to a people unknowingly blinded by those that they elected to protect them.

To all those who rock, we salute you. They who rock are courageous, guitar-wielding heralds, heroically proclaiming change and reform. They are on the front lines, liberating the metaphorically captive with their sweet rock. They rock to lift the spirits of the down trodden, the hopeless, and encourage those with a dream. Silicis est verum, lux lucis, via*

Milk is good for the skeleton, exercise for the heart, carrots for the eyes, and rock for the soul. For if a man is troubled, let him listen to Pink Floyd and forget his heartache for a season. If a man is tired, let him listen to AC/DC for that will invigorate him.

For every deficiency of the soul has a rock song to remedy.

*Latin: Rock is the truth, the light, and the way.

Write like a Real Blogger, Blogger

Hello readers. Look at your blog. Now back to mine. Now back to yours and now back to mine. Does your blog look like mine? No. But could it look like mine? Yes. If you stopped writing like a politically correct, liberal, wuss-bucket and started writing with no regard to people's feelings, reputations, connections, families, futures, or personal lives, then you could be a real blogger like me.

You will see your average blog hits at least triple as soon as you start doing a little slandering. If you consistently serve up a delicious little morsel of libel, people will flock to your page like poor people flock to the Democrats. Don't be afraid of the consequences. Our beloved Constitution is not yet hanging by a thread and you can say anything you want and claim it as free speech. If you do get brought to justice for your beautiful blogging, just pass it off as a satirical joke and then everyone can go home happy.

Now that you have the basic theory, go ahead and swan dive into the best blogging of your life. Start one up and stir the pot a little. I would gracefully and graciously accept any challengers to my reign as the supreme blogger.

Your Blogging Servant,
Uncle Tom