I'm Going to Start Harvesting My Rage

Sometimes an idea slaps you across the face like an arrogant girl. I have been slapped by both in the last week. I came to the realization that I spend a good deal of my time in a society-induced rage and I'm not doing anything with that potential energy source.

I'm no tree-hugger but I do hug and cuddle something else that is green... money. And there is money to be made in the rage business. Every time that I hear a femi-man speak or listen to the political theories of Adam Winchester, I am letting pure and unadulterated power and energy slip through my fingers. When I begin to harvest this rage, I will become completely self-reliant, I'll have a personal power plant, I'll be a light unto the nations as it says in the good book.

Just think, I wake up in the morning and toast my bread by the heat of my very own anger. So say a date was a total disaster the night before because she wouldn't kiss me after I bought her ice cream. Instead of kicking her out and making her walk home, I should be thanking her for igniting my turbines and giving me the fuel I need to power my home appliances.

Harvesting your rage is the way of the future. There's enough rage in the Schultz household to power a decent size American city. It's a sure fire idea because there may be a limited amount of coal and oil but my rage knows no limits.

Your Environmentally Friendly Servant,
Uncle Tom

It Sure is Nice to Feel Wanted...for Arson

I have really felt special these last few weeks and it's great to get some attention. I've been somewhat removed from society this last year with the campaign and my evil schemes, but now it seems that everyone knows my name. Even though I had to flee Utah and keep a low profile in Iowa, it sure is nice to feel wanted for the burning of the Boys and Girls Club building.

Who knew that pouring gasoline and Jack Daniels all over a local kids' hangout and dropping a match would make such a difference? But I guess after a year of being a lone wolf I had forgotten the sweet joy of making a difference in someone else's life. It's not just the kiddos who want to meet me. Their parents want to know what I was thinking and even the Honorable Police Chief of Provo said he can't wait to run into me.

Even my roommates want me to come forward and they haven't talked to me since the first day of school back in 2009. But there they are on Channel 5 News every night talking about all the interesting stuff I did that they noticed. I've got to be honest, burning down that gathering place for underprivileged children from shaky households was the best decision I ever made.

The best part is even the FBI wants to set up a meeting with me. Do you know how long it has been since I've had guests over to the house? In the past the neighbors would come over ever so often just to see if I was still taking my medication but just a few days ago my house was swarming with guests. Unfortunately I wasn't there to offer them a recreational beverage but it was nice that they stopped by.

Being so popular is great and all but sometimes an arsonist just needs some time to himself, to ponder and burn small things in preparation for bigger burns. So with that in mind I think I'll stay on the down low and just enjoy all this new found attention from afar.

Your Wanted Servant,
Uncle Tom

A Happy Mothers Day to Me

As mothers the world over are showered in gifts and praise today, one mother will go over-looked. This mother has given birth to one of mankind's must valuable resources. It goes without saying that I am that mother.

I don't have a mother in the traditional, limited sense of the word. I gave birth to myself and so technically that makes me a mother too. I'm a self-made man. I deserve all the praise that any mother does and maybe more because mine was more than a 9 month pregnancy. If the truth were to be told, I'm continually pregnant. I'm always being reborn and developing into a more powerful and smarter man.

I would also consider myself a mother to the world as a whole. Not only do I suckle the universe on the milk of my brilliance but I have conceived and nurtured the most diabolically well-crafted political strategies of the current century. My children won't send me flowers or even a ridiculous e-card, but anytime an enemy is crushed by one of my offspring, it's Mothers Day all over again.

Your Matron and Servant,
Uncle Tom

Politics are My Mistress

I am as straight as the aisle that runs down the middle of the Senate chamber but I'm here to tell you I don't need a girlfriend. I already have a woman that I devote every waking breath and thought to, her name is politics. I don't have time for a human woman and all of the accompanying problems and headaches. Politics may be an icy succubus but she sure beats all the girls I know. My mistress doesn't require flowers, chocolates, dates, effort, affection, understanding, compromise or even a sense of humor. That's why I love her and that's also why I'll never leave her.

"But Uncle Tom," the unenlightened herd of humanity asks, "what about those long and cold nights? What about the warm touch of a woman? How can you survive without that?" First of all, anytime I've held hands with a woman, I get sweaty palms. There is nothing so disgusting and ultimately vomit-inducing as sweaty palms. I'm surprised anyone even holds hands at all these days. It's so uncivilized and vulgar. The animals don't do it and if they don't do it than it's unnatural and anything unnatural needs to be avoided at all cost.

I look forward to the day where I can bind myself legally ad loftily to politics. The great thing about this current gay marriage debate is it will open up the arbitrary marriage debate. Soon people will be able to marry their most beloved ideology or theory. That is the day I will be truly happy. Then I'll settle down with the Mrs. and start a family of theories and diabolical schemes. I'll be bouncing baby ideas on my knee and then watch them grow and mature. Their mother and I will grow old together and live happily ever after.

Your Love Struck Servant,
Uncle Tom