You are Your Own Worst Enemy, but After That it's Me.

Beloved Reader, I've got to be honest with you. I've been watching this last week and I have to say that I'm worried about you. The way you are procrastinating things, settling for less than your best, and making no effort to get out there and date some people, well it all has me greatly concerned. You have a lot of really admirable qualities but the truth is sometimes you can be your own worst enemy, even more so than the master of destruction and debauchery and your true enemy, me.

You're smart, funny, talented, but you have so many self-destructive tendencies. You are always tearing yourself down. Now why would you tear yourself down when you could have me do that for you? Take it easy on yourself, sit back and relax and allow old Uncle Tom to point out all of your shortcomings and annoying personality traits.

There really is no reason to sabotage your dreams and aspirations with your pessimistic and fatalistic thinking, I've been up for nights on end thinking of how to do just that for you. In all reality you should be thanking me for taking such a noble interest in your life. I'm saving you a lot of anxiety and countless hours stuck in self-abasing thought.

So keep your chin up. You've got a lot of potential and you're going places. There's no reason to get down on yourself because I'll be doggin' you enough to satisfy both your need to be self-loathing and my need to put others down to lift myself up.

Your Concerned Servant,
Uncle Tom

I'm Sick of Hypocrites in Politics

The great hypocrites of politics are not the shady elected officials like Richard Nixon or the crafty and deft Benjamin Disraeli. Acting like a hypocrite is just one of the many tools available to a rising politician. The old adage "All is fair in war and love" needs to be remixed by a dexterous DJ to read "All is fair in war, love, and politics." The real hypocrites in politics are the people who claim to be avid followers and students of politics but they are mere amateurs, fair-weather fans, half-baked, sorry excuses for concerned and active citizens. If you are going to follow political happenings you've got to eat, drink, sleep, digest, and breathe politics.

If there is one thing that I know well it's how to spot a fake follower of the Gospel of Politics. There is nothing more honorable and nothing more praiseworthy than a man who is fervent, genuine and pious in his practice of politics. There is nothing on earth more odious than the false showing of political interest and knowledge. It is as the good Lord said, "Dead men's bones." These charlatans and false priests defy and desecrate everything that is sacred and hallowed to me.

They preach their dubious doctrine in every social setting and imaginable place possible. You cannot be a great scholar of politics until it consumes your entire being. I just don't see that among the current professors of the political gospel. With their unholy zeal they lead hundreds astray into ignorant and misinformed darkness. This type is all too common. They go about trumpeting their assumed knowledge but beware good reader, that you do not heed the tune of those pied pipers who will lead you nowhere but off the cliff of false political religion.

Stay Vigilant.

Your Faith Defending Servant,
Uncle Tom

The Only Thing High about High Society is the Price

These days the ignorant masses have confused what it means to be high class or high society. Foolishly they have supposed that wealth was an automatic invitation to the cultured life. In a more pristine time being wealthy and classy were two separate things. It was a state of mind rather than the state of your checkbook. It was a lifestyle rather than a life expenditure. These days a couple throws a nice lawn party or they go the extra mile for their daughter's wedding and all of a sudden they are high class. I am crusading, imploring you dear reader, that such things should not be.

If a man be rich I have nothing against him, but let him not pretend to be classy as well. If a man be a red neck and he stumble upon a great treasure, does he automatically transform into the epitome of wit and social grace? God forbid. He is just a rich red neck whereas he was once a poor red neck. Classy is not measured in yearly earnings or in stocks and bonds. Classy operates under a whole different system. A man may possess the world but if he never becomes classy what does it profit him?

Classy is a most sought after title, it is the highest compliment that can be paid to an individual. It can not be bought with that filthy lucre but must be earned.

It is my wish that each of you may be as classy as myself one day.

Your Classy Servant,
Uncle Tom

July 4th- The Only Birthday Equal to Mine

America's another year older and still the greatest country in the world. I normally don't celebrate other people's birthdays because birthdays are just a commemoration and a reminder that another stupid person was born on that particular day.

In honor of Independence Day I present you,faithful reader, with this moving and patriotic clip. It illustrates everything that I believe is good and great about America.


Your Patriotic Servant,
Uncle Tom