The Death of Uncle Tom

Uncle Tom, age unknown of Midwest America died this morning, November 28, 2010. Although the cause of death is still undetermined, it is being speculated that he died of a hyper-inflated ego combined with complications of a recent unfortunate incident with decency. He is survived by his wife, Politics, and his two sons Profanity and Strategy.

His funeral service is scheduled for December 1, 2010 at which time his ashes will be spread at the grave site of Richard Nixon according to his dying wish.

His blog will continue to bear his name in memory of all his rants, attacks, and politically incorrect sermons. He will long be remembered for his verbally charged opinions about women, liberals, gays, and Adam Winchester. His enemies will sleep easy knowing he has passed on and his acquaintances will be forced to look to a new source for quality real life entertainment.

As always, he was a step ahead of the game because he knew he was dying. He realized this because he saw himself slowly fade into obscurity. There were attempts to revive him but the best efforts of doctors and consultants were futile.

His last words were inappropriate and therefore cannot be reported but he went out fighting and we wouldn't expect any less from Old Uncle Tom.

Uncle Tom

Harry Potter is Destroying America but that won't Keep me from Watching the Movie

As you are already aware, the newest Harry Potter movie hit theaters this week and has continued the destructive business it started all those years ago. People have been planning weddings, social gatherings, charity functions, and their education around this event. The world shuts down when something Harry Potter opens up. I despise the whole Harry Potter franchise for what it is doing to America but that won't stop me from seeing the movie this Friday.

Harry Potter fans will argue that this is one of the best things which has ever happened to the world. It got the children reading books instead of watching TV all the time. They must believe that before the advent of Harry Potter children did not know how to read and these books have eradicated the illiteracy problem from the face of the earth. I would rather the children not read if this is what they are choosing. You could get more from an hour with Scooby Doo than you could get from a month of reading those books.

The movie is no different as far as quality but I have to see it. If I don't I will be ostracized from society. I will have nothing to say at the dinner table. My lady will find me repugnant and uncivilized. I won't understand the jokes and references which people are constantly making in everyday, unrelated conversation. Even if you are like me and want to boycott all things Harry Potter, you know that you'll find yourself on the outside looking in. Your family will disown you. You will be looked upon with more disgust than convicted terrorist.

But as we learn from history, the public's taste is always better than your own. That's why we have pop music and reality TV.

Your Band Wagon Servant,

Uncle Tom

Where is the Loyalty?

The Black Eye Peas once sang a catchy little diddy called Where is the Love. Personally I don't care where the love is and honestly I'd rather never know. Even though I'm very anti-love the song got me thinking. I want to know where is the loyalty. Loyalty is greater than love. For all of you math majors who follow this blog I'll put it in terms you can understand.

Loyalty > Love

We have learned by sad experience that your friends will throw you under the bus the first chance they get. Whatever happened to the good old days when you and all of your friends would drive around in a car terrorizing local groups of pedestrians and then not selling each other out when the cops catch up to you.

It seems like loyalty has gone the way of heterosexual marriage. People would rather just co-habitate in a self-serving friendship rather than settle down in a union of loyal brotherhood. What happened to the friend who would stand up and verbally crack some skulls if one of his compadres was under attack from an unholy source? People just don't do that anymore. They would rather join in and take a few cheap shots at their "friend" before performing the finishing curb stomp.

Times may change but Uncle Tom never will.

Your Loyal Servant,

Uncle Tom

People are like Old Holiday Decorations, They Need to be cut Down

On my daily walk to Taco Bell for some authentic Mexican food I saw some Halloween decorations and my stomach just about turned. We're well into November and people still have their Halloween stuff up. I wanted to knock on that fool's door and inform them that the time has passed and it was time to move on. I was just about ready to make a course correction towards that offender's house when I had an epiphany:

People are like old holiday decorations, they need to be cut down.

I thought it was a brilliant metaphor and I just couldn't stop smiling while I was eating my soggy nachos and stuffing down a few soft shell tacos for 99 cents. When people get a little uppity on you and they need to learn their place, just cut them down with an attack on their personal character or bring up a huge character flaw. If they honestly don't have a devastating weakness, make one up. They'll believe you.

You can't let people just hang all high when their time has past. Just like you wouldn't let your Christmas lights hang past mid-January. Cut those suckers down. It's for the best. Your fellow man will thank you for humbling the world's proud and arrogant. You will be doing a great service to humanity.

The best thing about cutting people down like old holiday decorations is you feel better about yourself and that's what the holidays are all about.

Your Festive Servant,

Uncle Tom

Another Cheap Shot at King Henry Apartments

Thus saith the Lord; Behold, I will raise up against Babylon and against them that dwell in the midst of them that rise up against me, a destroying wind.
–Jeremiah 51:1

The King Henry Apartment complex is not for the tender hearted. It’s a place where the soulless portion of the student body goes to waste away; waste away their time, resources and talents. King Henry is like the Sirens up on the cliff. You are drawn in by their physical beauty and sweet song of promise, but in the end you’ve shipwrecked yourself on the rocks of disappointment. Consider me to be your lighthouse on the shore. I will tell you the true nature of the King Henry apartments and save you from inevitable heartache.

The thing which is most important in understanding the King Henry apartments is the rent is too damn high. College students working 20 hours a week at a job which provides less spending money than an Afghanistan allowance cannot afford to pay the outrageous rates of King Henry. Just by glancing at the rent payment you will immediately understand why they named it King Henry, it’s tyrannical. Students have no money in their pockets for the truly significant things such as dates and The Simpsons Season 7 on DVD.

This place is a cold and cruel lover. She will leave you poor in spirit as well as wallet. Once she’s got her legal talons into your back there is no escape. You can bid farewell to your chances of an enjoyable semester because you are a slave to your grades and a slave to King Henry.

I realized that King Henry was a colony of male nudity. Men and boys on all sides performing tasks and participating in activities, all of which could and should have been done in clothes. I’ll spare you the graphic details but let it suffice to say that one fellow was reading God’s good word in the buff. I felt like I stepped out of reality and into the poor man’s version of an Abercrombie and Finch magazine. It seems like even the coming of winter won’t save my heterosexual sight because there is a constant parade of man skin to King Henry’s cesspool of social debauchery, the hot tub.

Your Karate Master Servant,

Uncle Tom

You've Made a Mockery of Roommate Relations

In my nearly 5 years of living with roommates, I've never been so disappointed. I don't know what I did to be treated this way in my own apartment, the only place in the world where I can fling my personal belongings all over the house and not be forced to pick them up. A man's apartment is his castle and if I can't hang my dirty underwear from the handle of our refrigerator then this is the furthest thing from my fortress. You guys used to be cool with the way I blatantly abused your good will and patience. You expect courtesy, consideration and respect now? I laugh in your face and say you've made a mockery of roommate relations.

If you could see things the way I see them you would understand that there is a roommate's code which I live by. It's a rather long set of standards and expectations but to sum it up it says, "You live here so you can do whatever you want with no regard for others." I know that I only pay a fourth of the rent but that isn't going to stop me from taking advantage of you guys to the fullest.

As I take 45 minute showers in our only bathroom, I hope you take that time to consider what you've done to the general idea of roommate relations. A roommate should not have to change his lifestyle to accommodate others, not in a free country like America. I'm a pretty easy going guy but that's where I draw the line. I'm not going to stop leaving the lights on early in the morning and leaving the house without shutting the door because that would just be turning my back on my principles. And I never turn my back on my principles.

So next time you want to call me out for stinking up the entire apartment by burning food or making disproportionately incredible loud amounts of sound as you are trying to sleep, just remember what it means to be a roommate- rolling over and taking it.

When it Comes to Keeping Friends it's All About the Numbers

I have always been all about the calculations and the numbers. Human life, suffering, pride, and well-being mean nothing to me compared to the bottom line of my personal enjoyment and advancement. In today's blog I will share with you some basic equations which I have personally derived to determine if certain friends are worth the investment of my "emotional capital." Feel free to use these equations with your own friends. Weigh them in the balance and if they are found wanting, cut them loose. You cannot afford to be spending time or investing yourself in friendships which won't last, won't produce, and won't help you achieve your ultimate goals.

EQUATION 1 - Probability of Future Profitability

Future Career x Parents' Economic Status / Condition of the Economy

+

General Connections and Networking Skills

Some friends, regardless of how painstakingly annoying and obnoxious they are now, are worth keeping around because they have potential to be profitable to you in the future. They may plan on becoming doctors or businessmen who can contribute to your campaign or they may somehow land in influential circles and you'll want to ride their coattails to greatness and wealth. It would be a shame to lose such a friend.

EQUATION 2 - Friendship Net Income

What One Brings to the Friendship - What One Mooches off the Friendship

This is one of the easiest equations to calculate. Simply gauge what your friend in question brings to the relationship (humor, confidence, food, money, car, women, etc.) and subtract what he or she mooches or takes from the relationship (humor, confidence, food, money, car, women, etc.).

Start with these two equations and if any of your friends make the cut I'll personally email you the final equation so that you can make the final decision. Don't be afraid to employ these equations in your life, there is nothing better than a good friend purge.

Your Calculating Servant,

Uncle Tom