Roman Gardens Just Got Black-Listed

I'm making a list and there is no need to check it twice. The list is my hit list and the ridiculously pretentious apartment complex "Roman Gardens" is public enemy number one. I always knew the place was a hell hole but I never realized that it was a hell hole within a hell hole. Dante may have made it to the lowest ring of Hell in The Inferno but what he forgot to check the door that said basement. What he would have found had he entered that godless place is Roman Gardens.



I won't bore you with the details good reader how I came to this discovery but let it suffice to say that it was the diabolical work of an incompetent miscreant. They call him Land Lord but his kingdom is filth. He manages decrepit stalls where the souls of men go to wither and die. With his wretched queen by his side he works in all the dark arts of scroogery.

How will I enact my revenge you ask? How will I make this foul coward pay for his heinous crimes against humanity's greatest creation aka me? I swear by everything holy that when my epic dreams are realized, for they will be realized, Roman Gardens will be pillaged, sacked, and then burnt to the ground. In a final act of defiance and revenge I will pee upon the ashes and then gather them up and leave them in burlap bags upon the doorstep of the dark lord himself. Only then will my revenge be complete.

Your Spiteful Servant,
Uncle Tom

Thank You Dad for All the Priceless Lessons

In honor of Father's Day I thought I would devote this week's blog completely to the important and unforgettable lessons that my father has taught me.


My Father

1. Hate for Yourself
My father was a man full of prejudices and ignorantly assumed notions of people and groups but he never forced his beliefs on me. I remember sitting under the old oak tree in the backyard when he said,"Tom, you need to start hating for yourself now. You can't live off your mother's and my hate anymore. But always remember what we've taught you about liberals, democrats, and gays."
"Alright Dean."
"Call me dad Tom."
"Alright Dad."

2.Never Surrender Never Sell Out
Many people have called my father a stubborn fool but I like to think of him as determined. To illustrate the point, my father still uses Windows 95. He believes that by upgrading he would be selling out to the man. He paid for Windows 95 and he won't get sucked into the technological black hole of our generation. He says it's all a sham. They had the know-how to make Windows 7 back in 95 but they just wanted to slow play it and squeeze you for all the money you got. Can't say I agree with that part specifically but I like the idea behind the madness.

3. Always Look at the Mother Before Taking a Girl Out on a Date
I'm pretty sure this one doesn't need any explanation.

Your Nostalgic Servant,
Uncle Tom

It's Going to Take More Than a 200 Pound Buck to Stop Me

Mother Nature thought she gave me quite a scare this past week. My partner-in-crime and I were speeding down the road in the greatest state in the USA (not Idaho mind you) after a night of debauchery and ill will, and a huge deer just jumped out of oblivion and into our path. Had I been the one driving I could have easily avoided the suicidal mammal. Even though my partner and I were spawned from the same pit of eternal darkness, I am the one who possesses the quick reflexes and hatred for all of God's creations.

This unfortunate little episode was nothing but a gnat at my BBQ of life. Annoying but in no way of any significance. My partner was screaming like a school girl at the opening of Twilight while I remained calm throughout the whole ordeal. It's going to take more than that to get a rise out of me. I really thought Mother Nature knew that. You're talking to the guy who sleeps through earthquakes and tornadoes and runs out in hail-storms just to get some ice for his Ginger Ale.

Needless to say the deer was killed instantly and the car was totaled. If anything can be taken from this experience it is this: Tom Schultz cannot be stopped. Any time there is an obstacle in my way I will plow through it in a blaze of blood, guts and glory.

Your Invincible Servant,
Uncle Tom

I'm Going to Start Harvesting My Rage

Sometimes an idea slaps you across the face like an arrogant girl. I have been slapped by both in the last week. I came to the realization that I spend a good deal of my time in a society-induced rage and I'm not doing anything with that potential energy source.

I'm no tree-hugger but I do hug and cuddle something else that is green... money. And there is money to be made in the rage business. Every time that I hear a femi-man speak or listen to the political theories of Adam Winchester, I am letting pure and unadulterated power and energy slip through my fingers. When I begin to harvest this rage, I will become completely self-reliant, I'll have a personal power plant, I'll be a light unto the nations as it says in the good book.

Just think, I wake up in the morning and toast my bread by the heat of my very own anger. So say a date was a total disaster the night before because she wouldn't kiss me after I bought her ice cream. Instead of kicking her out and making her walk home, I should be thanking her for igniting my turbines and giving me the fuel I need to power my home appliances.

Harvesting your rage is the way of the future. There's enough rage in the Schultz household to power a decent size American city. It's a sure fire idea because there may be a limited amount of coal and oil but my rage knows no limits.

Your Environmentally Friendly Servant,
Uncle Tom

It Sure is Nice to Feel Wanted...for Arson

I have really felt special these last few weeks and it's great to get some attention. I've been somewhat removed from society this last year with the campaign and my evil schemes, but now it seems that everyone knows my name. Even though I had to flee Utah and keep a low profile in Iowa, it sure is nice to feel wanted for the burning of the Boys and Girls Club building.

Who knew that pouring gasoline and Jack Daniels all over a local kids' hangout and dropping a match would make such a difference? But I guess after a year of being a lone wolf I had forgotten the sweet joy of making a difference in someone else's life. It's not just the kiddos who want to meet me. Their parents want to know what I was thinking and even the Honorable Police Chief of Provo said he can't wait to run into me.

Even my roommates want me to come forward and they haven't talked to me since the first day of school back in 2009. But there they are on Channel 5 News every night talking about all the interesting stuff I did that they noticed. I've got to be honest, burning down that gathering place for underprivileged children from shaky households was the best decision I ever made.

The best part is even the FBI wants to set up a meeting with me. Do you know how long it has been since I've had guests over to the house? In the past the neighbors would come over ever so often just to see if I was still taking my medication but just a few days ago my house was swarming with guests. Unfortunately I wasn't there to offer them a recreational beverage but it was nice that they stopped by.

Being so popular is great and all but sometimes an arsonist just needs some time to himself, to ponder and burn small things in preparation for bigger burns. So with that in mind I think I'll stay on the down low and just enjoy all this new found attention from afar.

Your Wanted Servant,
Uncle Tom

A Happy Mothers Day to Me

As mothers the world over are showered in gifts and praise today, one mother will go over-looked. This mother has given birth to one of mankind's must valuable resources. It goes without saying that I am that mother.

I don't have a mother in the traditional, limited sense of the word. I gave birth to myself and so technically that makes me a mother too. I'm a self-made man. I deserve all the praise that any mother does and maybe more because mine was more than a 9 month pregnancy. If the truth were to be told, I'm continually pregnant. I'm always being reborn and developing into a more powerful and smarter man.

I would also consider myself a mother to the world as a whole. Not only do I suckle the universe on the milk of my brilliance but I have conceived and nurtured the most diabolically well-crafted political strategies of the current century. My children won't send me flowers or even a ridiculous e-card, but anytime an enemy is crushed by one of my offspring, it's Mothers Day all over again.

Your Matron and Servant,
Uncle Tom

Politics are My Mistress

I am as straight as the aisle that runs down the middle of the Senate chamber but I'm here to tell you I don't need a girlfriend. I already have a woman that I devote every waking breath and thought to, her name is politics. I don't have time for a human woman and all of the accompanying problems and headaches. Politics may be an icy succubus but she sure beats all the girls I know. My mistress doesn't require flowers, chocolates, dates, effort, affection, understanding, compromise or even a sense of humor. That's why I love her and that's also why I'll never leave her.

"But Uncle Tom," the unenlightened herd of humanity asks, "what about those long and cold nights? What about the warm touch of a woman? How can you survive without that?" First of all, anytime I've held hands with a woman, I get sweaty palms. There is nothing so disgusting and ultimately vomit-inducing as sweaty palms. I'm surprised anyone even holds hands at all these days. It's so uncivilized and vulgar. The animals don't do it and if they don't do it than it's unnatural and anything unnatural needs to be avoided at all cost.

I look forward to the day where I can bind myself legally ad loftily to politics. The great thing about this current gay marriage debate is it will open up the arbitrary marriage debate. Soon people will be able to marry their most beloved ideology or theory. That is the day I will be truly happy. Then I'll settle down with the Mrs. and start a family of theories and diabolical schemes. I'll be bouncing baby ideas on my knee and then watch them grow and mature. Their mother and I will grow old together and live happily ever after.

Your Love Struck Servant,
Uncle Tom