When it Comes to Keeping Friends it's All About the Numbers

I have always been all about the calculations and the numbers. Human life, suffering, pride, and well-being mean nothing to me compared to the bottom line of my personal enjoyment and advancement. In today's blog I will share with you some basic equations which I have personally derived to determine if certain friends are worth the investment of my "emotional capital." Feel free to use these equations with your own friends. Weigh them in the balance and if they are found wanting, cut them loose. You cannot afford to be spending time or investing yourself in friendships which won't last, won't produce, and won't help you achieve your ultimate goals.

EQUATION 1 - Probability of Future Profitability

Future Career x Parents' Economic Status / Condition of the Economy

+

General Connections and Networking Skills

Some friends, regardless of how painstakingly annoying and obnoxious they are now, are worth keeping around because they have potential to be profitable to you in the future. They may plan on becoming doctors or businessmen who can contribute to your campaign or they may somehow land in influential circles and you'll want to ride their coattails to greatness and wealth. It would be a shame to lose such a friend.

EQUATION 2 - Friendship Net Income

What One Brings to the Friendship - What One Mooches off the Friendship

This is one of the easiest equations to calculate. Simply gauge what your friend in question brings to the relationship (humor, confidence, food, money, car, women, etc.) and subtract what he or she mooches or takes from the relationship (humor, confidence, food, money, car, women, etc.).

Start with these two equations and if any of your friends make the cut I'll personally email you the final equation so that you can make the final decision. Don't be afraid to employ these equations in your life, there is nothing better than a good friend purge.

Your Calculating Servant,

Uncle Tom

I'm the Reason more and more Americans are Choosing NOT to have Children

I am just getting more and more powerful. As the days go by and as I meet new people my influence is spreading. I already knew I could clear a room with a well-timed "F" bomb or make even the hardiest man cry as I viciously attack his personal integrity and then turn and do the same to his mother's character. But what I didn't realize initially was the more far-reaching, devastating effect I was having on the American population. In a recent study, researches found that I was the number 5 reason people didn't want to have children. The article goes on to explain,

"The 5th most common explanation couples are opting out of raising children is because of one specific individual. This is the first time in this survey's 125 year history that a single person has been named as a reason for not wanting to have children. Over 25% of individuals surveyed said that having children was too risky as long as Uncle Tom was still living. They didn't want to run the risk of having their children ever meet Uncle Tom or God forbid, become like him."

I've got to admit I'm feeling pretty good these days. It just feels good to give something back to the country. The fewer stupid people who are born into this nation the better and there I am on the front lines, making it happen. Even though it was a great honor to be named as one of the top 5 reasons people aren't having kids, it will pale in comparison at the end of next week when the FBI releases its list of the 10 most wanted men in America. I've got a feeling you'll be seeing Uncle Tom again.

Your Influential Servant,

Uncle Tom

Politics can Turn on you like a Vengeful Woman

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. - Willy Shakespeare

This week the only woman I have ever loved, including my own mother, turned on me. She promised we would always be together. She said she wanted to be the mother of my children. I guess I should have seen it coming but I was blind. She blinded me with the promise of power and influence. She promised victory but only delivered the cold casserole of defeat.

Politics have left me for another man.

I guess I should have seen the warning signs. She started taking a subtle interest in other candidates. All of a sudden she started getting phone calls late at night but I didn't think much of it. There were other campaign signs in our garage and when I asked her about them she said that they were just friends who needed a place to stay for awhile. How could I get upset about that? It seemed innocent enough at the time.

Well as she was packing her stuff and walking away I asked her where we went wrong. She said that I wasn't meeting her needs and she needed a man who could win. I begged her to stay but she said it was too late. The primaries are less than a month away and she said she couldn't waste the best years of her life with a political failure who had illusions of grandeur.

I'm doing my best to move on but it's difficult. But I hear that religion is single again so maybe I'll give her a try.

Anger is So Hot Right Now

I've never been one for fashion. I know that they say, "Clothes make the man," but I just don't buy into that panda manure. The only type of fashion I follow is emotional fashion. That is an area in my life where I need to be up on all the latest trends. A few years ago it was really cool to be depressed. That was the hip emotion to be constantly parading at the time. But like in the world of clothes, things can change quick. The current trend that I am a slave to and spend all of my free time trying to improve is anger. It is just so hot right now.

The best thing about emotional fashion is the price. It costs you nothing to stay current. In the fashion world you are constantly buying new clothes as fads come and go but emotional fashion is as easy as being unpredictable and unsteady. I am really loving the fact that anger is what's "in" right now because I've been told I look the best in anger. It is also a plus because I never have to decide how to feel about world events and the things happening in my life. I just go with whatever is hot at the moment. Emotional fashion has really simplified my life.

I saw an apathetic kid the other night and I wanted to educate him with my fist. Apathy is so 2008. Get with the times dip stick. Anger is king in 2010.

One of my idols when it comes to emotional fashion this year is Mel Gibson. He has really taken it to a whole new level. I have tried to follow his good example but I don't want to get too carried away because there have been whisperings on the emotional fashion catwalks across the world that anger is on its way out to make room for arrogance. I can't wait to see that new line.

Your Fashionable Servant,

Uncle Tom

I Already Know Everything I'll ever Need to Know about Women

Author's note: This week's post is a direct rebuttal to Leah Pettit and her article on American men.

Although I am 22 and have never had a girlfriend and haven't been on a date in nearly a year, I already know everything I'll ever need to know about women. Now this deliberate gap and limited grasp of women would seem like a handicap but I will tell you that it has made me the highly intelligent and fiercely independent man you see before you. I have absolutely no interest in understanding women any better then I do now and I have no plans to change my wide, vague and brutally stereotypical and generalized opinions of the so called fairer sex.

I am perfectly happy to spew out emotionally-charged gender slurs without doing any research or spending any time with any sort of woman. I found out what really matters about the female sex when my roommate got dumped by his girlfriend of two weeks. That pretty much summed it all up for me. What more do I need to know to stigmatize women as biological and hormonal timebombs on a fiery train of nagging?

I'm not going to let myself know anymore about women. All women are man hating liberals who want all the power of a man but none of the responsibility and I will resist any attempt to challenge my assertions with correct facts or field experience. For reasons I am completely unable to articulate and defend, women are the bane of an efficient and logical world.

One time I actually started listening to someone expound the positives about women with words I didn't want to hear like equal rights, respect, and love but then I remembered how much easier it is to live in a world where I can just label and broad-brush a huge group of people and use them as the vessel for all of my insecurities.

Your Sexist Servant,

Uncle Tom

The First Great Treatise of Uncle Tom "Rock Music"

Rock serves for entertainment, for revolution, and for social unity. Its most common use, for entertainment, is just as splendid in private as in public; for revolution due to its rebellious nature and free following mantra; social unity because of its mass appeal. Expert and gifted men can execute the production and performance of this art, but the general public merely observes and reveres rock.



Rock perfects people; they are perfected by experiencing rock music. One great rock song or one great rock show can change the world. However, world changing rock is like the craft of a blacksmith. It must go through the hot, refining fire of the individual. If the individual is not moved by the music, he will cast it aside as a blacksmith disregards unalterable iron.

Gangster types don't comprehend rock, freedom-fighter types praise rock, government types fear rock. The gangster condemns rock because he does not understand the art and purpose to which it is intended. A gangster type is unrefined and rock is most refined. The two substances cannot and will not mix. The freedom fighters exalt rock because it is their outlet of expression and voice to the world. The government fears rock because it proclaims truth to a people unknowingly blinded by those that they elected to protect them.

To all those who rock, we salute you. They who rock are courageous, guitar-wielding heralds, heroically proclaiming change and reform. They are on the front lines, liberating the metaphorically captive with their sweet rock. They rock to lift the spirits of the down trodden, the hopeless, and encourage those with a dream. Silicis est verum, lux lucis, via*

Milk is good for the skeleton, exercise for the heart, carrots for the eyes, and rock for the soul. For if a man is troubled, let him listen to Pink Floyd and forget his heartache for a season. If a man is tired, let him listen to AC/DC for that will invigorate him.

For every deficiency of the soul has a rock song to remedy.

*Latin: Rock is the truth, the light, and the way.

Write like a Real Blogger, Blogger

Hello readers. Look at your blog. Now back to mine. Now back to yours and now back to mine. Does your blog look like mine? No. But could it look like mine? Yes. If you stopped writing like a politically correct, liberal, wuss-bucket and started writing with no regard to people's feelings, reputations, connections, families, futures, or personal lives, then you could be a real blogger like me.

You will see your average blog hits at least triple as soon as you start doing a little slandering. If you consistently serve up a delicious little morsel of libel, people will flock to your page like poor people flock to the Democrats. Don't be afraid of the consequences. Our beloved Constitution is not yet hanging by a thread and you can say anything you want and claim it as free speech. If you do get brought to justice for your beautiful blogging, just pass it off as a satirical joke and then everyone can go home happy.

Now that you have the basic theory, go ahead and swan dive into the best blogging of your life. Start one up and stir the pot a little. I would gracefully and graciously accept any challengers to my reign as the supreme blogger.

Your Blogging Servant,
Uncle Tom