Anger is So Hot Right Now

I've never been one for fashion. I know that they say, "Clothes make the man," but I just don't buy into that panda manure. The only type of fashion I follow is emotional fashion. That is an area in my life where I need to be up on all the latest trends. A few years ago it was really cool to be depressed. That was the hip emotion to be constantly parading at the time. But like in the world of clothes, things can change quick. The current trend that I am a slave to and spend all of my free time trying to improve is anger. It is just so hot right now.

The best thing about emotional fashion is the price. It costs you nothing to stay current. In the fashion world you are constantly buying new clothes as fads come and go but emotional fashion is as easy as being unpredictable and unsteady. I am really loving the fact that anger is what's "in" right now because I've been told I look the best in anger. It is also a plus because I never have to decide how to feel about world events and the things happening in my life. I just go with whatever is hot at the moment. Emotional fashion has really simplified my life.

I saw an apathetic kid the other night and I wanted to educate him with my fist. Apathy is so 2008. Get with the times dip stick. Anger is king in 2010.

One of my idols when it comes to emotional fashion this year is Mel Gibson. He has really taken it to a whole new level. I have tried to follow his good example but I don't want to get too carried away because there have been whisperings on the emotional fashion catwalks across the world that anger is on its way out to make room for arrogance. I can't wait to see that new line.

Your Fashionable Servant,

Uncle Tom

I Already Know Everything I'll ever Need to Know about Women

Author's note: This week's post is a direct rebuttal to Leah Pettit and her article on American men.

Although I am 22 and have never had a girlfriend and haven't been on a date in nearly a year, I already know everything I'll ever need to know about women. Now this deliberate gap and limited grasp of women would seem like a handicap but I will tell you that it has made me the highly intelligent and fiercely independent man you see before you. I have absolutely no interest in understanding women any better then I do now and I have no plans to change my wide, vague and brutally stereotypical and generalized opinions of the so called fairer sex.

I am perfectly happy to spew out emotionally-charged gender slurs without doing any research or spending any time with any sort of woman. I found out what really matters about the female sex when my roommate got dumped by his girlfriend of two weeks. That pretty much summed it all up for me. What more do I need to know to stigmatize women as biological and hormonal timebombs on a fiery train of nagging?

I'm not going to let myself know anymore about women. All women are man hating liberals who want all the power of a man but none of the responsibility and I will resist any attempt to challenge my assertions with correct facts or field experience. For reasons I am completely unable to articulate and defend, women are the bane of an efficient and logical world.

One time I actually started listening to someone expound the positives about women with words I didn't want to hear like equal rights, respect, and love but then I remembered how much easier it is to live in a world where I can just label and broad-brush a huge group of people and use them as the vessel for all of my insecurities.

Your Sexist Servant,

Uncle Tom

The First Great Treatise of Uncle Tom "Rock Music"

Rock serves for entertainment, for revolution, and for social unity. Its most common use, for entertainment, is just as splendid in private as in public; for revolution due to its rebellious nature and free following mantra; social unity because of its mass appeal. Expert and gifted men can execute the production and performance of this art, but the general public merely observes and reveres rock.



Rock perfects people; they are perfected by experiencing rock music. One great rock song or one great rock show can change the world. However, world changing rock is like the craft of a blacksmith. It must go through the hot, refining fire of the individual. If the individual is not moved by the music, he will cast it aside as a blacksmith disregards unalterable iron.

Gangster types don't comprehend rock, freedom-fighter types praise rock, government types fear rock. The gangster condemns rock because he does not understand the art and purpose to which it is intended. A gangster type is unrefined and rock is most refined. The two substances cannot and will not mix. The freedom fighters exalt rock because it is their outlet of expression and voice to the world. The government fears rock because it proclaims truth to a people unknowingly blinded by those that they elected to protect them.

To all those who rock, we salute you. They who rock are courageous, guitar-wielding heralds, heroically proclaiming change and reform. They are on the front lines, liberating the metaphorically captive with their sweet rock. They rock to lift the spirits of the down trodden, the hopeless, and encourage those with a dream. Silicis est verum, lux lucis, via*

Milk is good for the skeleton, exercise for the heart, carrots for the eyes, and rock for the soul. For if a man is troubled, let him listen to Pink Floyd and forget his heartache for a season. If a man is tired, let him listen to AC/DC for that will invigorate him.

For every deficiency of the soul has a rock song to remedy.

*Latin: Rock is the truth, the light, and the way.

Write like a Real Blogger, Blogger

Hello readers. Look at your blog. Now back to mine. Now back to yours and now back to mine. Does your blog look like mine? No. But could it look like mine? Yes. If you stopped writing like a politically correct, liberal, wuss-bucket and started writing with no regard to people's feelings, reputations, connections, families, futures, or personal lives, then you could be a real blogger like me.

You will see your average blog hits at least triple as soon as you start doing a little slandering. If you consistently serve up a delicious little morsel of libel, people will flock to your page like poor people flock to the Democrats. Don't be afraid of the consequences. Our beloved Constitution is not yet hanging by a thread and you can say anything you want and claim it as free speech. If you do get brought to justice for your beautiful blogging, just pass it off as a satirical joke and then everyone can go home happy.

Now that you have the basic theory, go ahead and swan dive into the best blogging of your life. Start one up and stir the pot a little. I would gracefully and graciously accept any challengers to my reign as the supreme blogger.

Your Blogging Servant,
Uncle Tom

King Henry: Where the Girls are Girls and the Guys are too

Where can I turn for peace? Where can I turn for some intelligent people with correct political thinking? The search for such a place still continues. I thought that a move away from the hellhole called Roman Gardens would afford me a chance to at least associate with folks who know a good candidate campaign sign when they see one. But I guess this is just more proof of what I already knew... people in general are dumb.

I moved into King Henry Apartments this week and I was absolutely horrified with what I saw. This place is no more than a colony of male nudity and wanna-be Senator's sons. I really am not sure what I was expecting but anything has got to be better than six shirtless jabronis attempting to play sand volleyball while oiling each other up with coco butter for girls who are Daddy's little princesses.

King Henry Apartments has all the feel of a country club but none of the actual accomplishment. The feeling of a grown man living in his parent's basement rends the air. There is that constant notion of party, social debauchery, entitlement, and immaturity everywhere you go on the premises of the aforementioned place.

The only thing which gets me through the few conscious hours which I spend here is the hope that one day Miss Butter-biscuits will appear in a blaze of beauty and elegance and rescue me from this bad dream of a canceled MTV reality show.

Your Sickened Servant,
Uncle Tom

Adam Winchester: God-Fearing Patriot or Closet Communist?

While out shuffling through the vast wasteland of the internet, but more specially the social pool of intellectual decay Facebook, I came across this piece of fine literature. It was written by one of the greatest Americans of this generation. I would like to break it down in order to understand the man behind the majesty.

My name is Adam Miller Winchester. I grew up in Idaho and plan on settling down there. I enjoy many things such as a good game of baseball, a trip to the mountains and listening to country music. I enjoy intellectual conversations, that stimulate the mind and cause you to think. I love working in agriculture and teaching people new things. I admire women and find them fascinating. Nothing beats a hard days work and the sense of accomplishment it brings. I feel people need to progress and take pride in whatever it is they do. I find that self mastery is the quickest way to happiness and self respect. This world is about overcoming oneself and thinking of others, serving them and reaching goals. The three most important things in existence are the God you worship, the family you belong to, and the nation of which you are a part. Good friends are the quickest way to success and one should surround himself with successful people to be successful themselves. Love and caring exceed all else. I speak Armenian and am learning Spanish. I can play a bit on the guitar.

My name is Adam Miller Winchester. I grew up in Idaho and plan on settling down there. I enjoy many things such as a good game of baseball, a trip to the mountains and listening to country music.
This snippet from his magnum opus makes me believe he is a true American. His name just sounds as American as a name originally from the depths of England can. He hails from Idaho which is undoubtedly the most American state there is and it is too great to litter. Not only does he love baseball and the mountains but he loves baseball games in the mountains.

I enjoy intellectual conversations, that stimulate the mind and cause you to think.
This is pure communist fodder. It is common knowledge that communists relish intellectual conversation which stimulates the mind. This is strong evidence that Winchester is a closet communist. A true American is a capitalist at heart and has no time for intellectual conversation because he is too busy making money. If he eventually come out of the closet you can say that you read it here first.

I admire women and find them fascinating.
To adequately discuss this line from the Great Bio would require an entire blog all its own. Maybe someday in the future.

Nothing beats a hard days work and the sense of accomplishment it brings. I feel people need to progress and take pride in whatever it is they do. I find that self mastery is the quickest way to happiness and self respect. This world is about overcoming oneself and thinking of others, serving them and reaching goals.
I'm not an expert on communism like Winchester but I'm pretty sure this is a direct quote from Lenin himself. It surprises me greatly that no freedom loving American has called him out on his communist tendencies before today but I guess that's why you have Uncle Tom. I'm far too intelligent to be bamboozled and have the wool pulled over my eyes by this hypocrite of the worst manner.

The three most important things in existence are the God you worship, the family you belong to, and the nation of which you are a part.
This is just a cover-up for his communist sentiments. It's like a gay guy dating a girl to hide the fact that he is flaming.

Good friends are the quickest way to success and one should surround himself with successful people to be successful themselves.
What he means to say is, "Good communist friends are the quickest way to success and one should surround himself with communist people to be communist themselves."

I speak Armenian...
For your consideration, Armenian is a language spoken in a former communist country. Just saying

I have provided you the facts dear reader and now I leave it to you to decide if Adam Winchester is a communist. VOTE NOW!

Back from the Dead

There have been some vicious rumors floating around that I had died or was assassinated but to the personal chagrin of my enemies and many of my friends and family, I am more alive than ever. I took a little bit of a vacation from the blogging but now I'm back with a vengeance to rain down furry and hellfire on the civilized world once more. I am like Lazarus, the Ghost of Christmas future and a mind devouring zombie all rolled into one sleek and sexy package. I hope the ignorant masses are ready to come back from their summer vacation of disillusionment.

You thought you could get rid of old Uncle Tom that easily? How foolish.

Your Rejuvenated Servant,
Uncle Tom