King Henry: Where the Girls are Girls and the Guys are too

Where can I turn for peace? Where can I turn for some intelligent people with correct political thinking? The search for such a place still continues. I thought that a move away from the hellhole called Roman Gardens would afford me a chance to at least associate with folks who know a good candidate campaign sign when they see one. But I guess this is just more proof of what I already knew... people in general are dumb.

I moved into King Henry Apartments this week and I was absolutely horrified with what I saw. This place is no more than a colony of male nudity and wanna-be Senator's sons. I really am not sure what I was expecting but anything has got to be better than six shirtless jabronis attempting to play sand volleyball while oiling each other up with coco butter for girls who are Daddy's little princesses.

King Henry Apartments has all the feel of a country club but none of the actual accomplishment. The feeling of a grown man living in his parent's basement rends the air. There is that constant notion of party, social debauchery, entitlement, and immaturity everywhere you go on the premises of the aforementioned place.

The only thing which gets me through the few conscious hours which I spend here is the hope that one day Miss Butter-biscuits will appear in a blaze of beauty and elegance and rescue me from this bad dream of a canceled MTV reality show.

Your Sickened Servant,
Uncle Tom

Adam Winchester: God-Fearing Patriot or Closet Communist?

While out shuffling through the vast wasteland of the internet, but more specially the social pool of intellectual decay Facebook, I came across this piece of fine literature. It was written by one of the greatest Americans of this generation. I would like to break it down in order to understand the man behind the majesty.

My name is Adam Miller Winchester. I grew up in Idaho and plan on settling down there. I enjoy many things such as a good game of baseball, a trip to the mountains and listening to country music. I enjoy intellectual conversations, that stimulate the mind and cause you to think. I love working in agriculture and teaching people new things. I admire women and find them fascinating. Nothing beats a hard days work and the sense of accomplishment it brings. I feel people need to progress and take pride in whatever it is they do. I find that self mastery is the quickest way to happiness and self respect. This world is about overcoming oneself and thinking of others, serving them and reaching goals. The three most important things in existence are the God you worship, the family you belong to, and the nation of which you are a part. Good friends are the quickest way to success and one should surround himself with successful people to be successful themselves. Love and caring exceed all else. I speak Armenian and am learning Spanish. I can play a bit on the guitar.

My name is Adam Miller Winchester. I grew up in Idaho and plan on settling down there. I enjoy many things such as a good game of baseball, a trip to the mountains and listening to country music.
This snippet from his magnum opus makes me believe he is a true American. His name just sounds as American as a name originally from the depths of England can. He hails from Idaho which is undoubtedly the most American state there is and it is too great to litter. Not only does he love baseball and the mountains but he loves baseball games in the mountains.

I enjoy intellectual conversations, that stimulate the mind and cause you to think.
This is pure communist fodder. It is common knowledge that communists relish intellectual conversation which stimulates the mind. This is strong evidence that Winchester is a closet communist. A true American is a capitalist at heart and has no time for intellectual conversation because he is too busy making money. If he eventually come out of the closet you can say that you read it here first.

I admire women and find them fascinating.
To adequately discuss this line from the Great Bio would require an entire blog all its own. Maybe someday in the future.

Nothing beats a hard days work and the sense of accomplishment it brings. I feel people need to progress and take pride in whatever it is they do. I find that self mastery is the quickest way to happiness and self respect. This world is about overcoming oneself and thinking of others, serving them and reaching goals.
I'm not an expert on communism like Winchester but I'm pretty sure this is a direct quote from Lenin himself. It surprises me greatly that no freedom loving American has called him out on his communist tendencies before today but I guess that's why you have Uncle Tom. I'm far too intelligent to be bamboozled and have the wool pulled over my eyes by this hypocrite of the worst manner.

The three most important things in existence are the God you worship, the family you belong to, and the nation of which you are a part.
This is just a cover-up for his communist sentiments. It's like a gay guy dating a girl to hide the fact that he is flaming.

Good friends are the quickest way to success and one should surround himself with successful people to be successful themselves.
What he means to say is, "Good communist friends are the quickest way to success and one should surround himself with communist people to be communist themselves."

I speak Armenian...
For your consideration, Armenian is a language spoken in a former communist country. Just saying

I have provided you the facts dear reader and now I leave it to you to decide if Adam Winchester is a communist. VOTE NOW!

Back from the Dead

There have been some vicious rumors floating around that I had died or was assassinated but to the personal chagrin of my enemies and many of my friends and family, I am more alive than ever. I took a little bit of a vacation from the blogging but now I'm back with a vengeance to rain down furry and hellfire on the civilized world once more. I am like Lazarus, the Ghost of Christmas future and a mind devouring zombie all rolled into one sleek and sexy package. I hope the ignorant masses are ready to come back from their summer vacation of disillusionment.

You thought you could get rid of old Uncle Tom that easily? How foolish.

Your Rejuvenated Servant,
Uncle Tom

You are Your Own Worst Enemy, but After That it's Me.

Beloved Reader, I've got to be honest with you. I've been watching this last week and I have to say that I'm worried about you. The way you are procrastinating things, settling for less than your best, and making no effort to get out there and date some people, well it all has me greatly concerned. You have a lot of really admirable qualities but the truth is sometimes you can be your own worst enemy, even more so than the master of destruction and debauchery and your true enemy, me.

You're smart, funny, talented, but you have so many self-destructive tendencies. You are always tearing yourself down. Now why would you tear yourself down when you could have me do that for you? Take it easy on yourself, sit back and relax and allow old Uncle Tom to point out all of your shortcomings and annoying personality traits.

There really is no reason to sabotage your dreams and aspirations with your pessimistic and fatalistic thinking, I've been up for nights on end thinking of how to do just that for you. In all reality you should be thanking me for taking such a noble interest in your life. I'm saving you a lot of anxiety and countless hours stuck in self-abasing thought.

So keep your chin up. You've got a lot of potential and you're going places. There's no reason to get down on yourself because I'll be doggin' you enough to satisfy both your need to be self-loathing and my need to put others down to lift myself up.

Your Concerned Servant,
Uncle Tom

I'm Sick of Hypocrites in Politics

The great hypocrites of politics are not the shady elected officials like Richard Nixon or the crafty and deft Benjamin Disraeli. Acting like a hypocrite is just one of the many tools available to a rising politician. The old adage "All is fair in war and love" needs to be remixed by a dexterous DJ to read "All is fair in war, love, and politics." The real hypocrites in politics are the people who claim to be avid followers and students of politics but they are mere amateurs, fair-weather fans, half-baked, sorry excuses for concerned and active citizens. If you are going to follow political happenings you've got to eat, drink, sleep, digest, and breathe politics.

If there is one thing that I know well it's how to spot a fake follower of the Gospel of Politics. There is nothing more honorable and nothing more praiseworthy than a man who is fervent, genuine and pious in his practice of politics. There is nothing on earth more odious than the false showing of political interest and knowledge. It is as the good Lord said, "Dead men's bones." These charlatans and false priests defy and desecrate everything that is sacred and hallowed to me.

They preach their dubious doctrine in every social setting and imaginable place possible. You cannot be a great scholar of politics until it consumes your entire being. I just don't see that among the current professors of the political gospel. With their unholy zeal they lead hundreds astray into ignorant and misinformed darkness. This type is all too common. They go about trumpeting their assumed knowledge but beware good reader, that you do not heed the tune of those pied pipers who will lead you nowhere but off the cliff of false political religion.

Stay Vigilant.

Your Faith Defending Servant,
Uncle Tom

The Only Thing High about High Society is the Price

These days the ignorant masses have confused what it means to be high class or high society. Foolishly they have supposed that wealth was an automatic invitation to the cultured life. In a more pristine time being wealthy and classy were two separate things. It was a state of mind rather than the state of your checkbook. It was a lifestyle rather than a life expenditure. These days a couple throws a nice lawn party or they go the extra mile for their daughter's wedding and all of a sudden they are high class. I am crusading, imploring you dear reader, that such things should not be.

If a man be rich I have nothing against him, but let him not pretend to be classy as well. If a man be a red neck and he stumble upon a great treasure, does he automatically transform into the epitome of wit and social grace? God forbid. He is just a rich red neck whereas he was once a poor red neck. Classy is not measured in yearly earnings or in stocks and bonds. Classy operates under a whole different system. A man may possess the world but if he never becomes classy what does it profit him?

Classy is a most sought after title, it is the highest compliment that can be paid to an individual. It can not be bought with that filthy lucre but must be earned.

It is my wish that each of you may be as classy as myself one day.

Your Classy Servant,
Uncle Tom

July 4th- The Only Birthday Equal to Mine

America's another year older and still the greatest country in the world. I normally don't celebrate other people's birthdays because birthdays are just a commemoration and a reminder that another stupid person was born on that particular day.

In honor of Independence Day I present you,faithful reader, with this moving and patriotic clip. It illustrates everything that I believe is good and great about America.


Your Patriotic Servant,
Uncle Tom